What do I say when my child throws a friend ‘under the bus’ to look good? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children sometimes try to protect themselves or gain approval by shifting blame onto a friend or classmate. They may say things like, ‘It was not me, it was him!’ or exaggerate a friend’s mistake to make their own actions seem less significant. While this may help them to avoid trouble in the moment, it is a habit that damages trust and harms friendships in the long run. As a parent, your goal is to teach them that loyalty, honesty, and fairness are far more important than any short-term praise or escape from consequences. 

Understand Why They Might Blame a Friend 

A child might throw a friend ‘under the bus’ for several reasons. 

• Fear of getting into trouble themselves. 

• A desire to look good or responsible in front of adults. 

• Testing boundaries to see what they can get away with. 

• A misguided attempt to feel powerful by making someone else look weak. 

Explain the Importance of Loyalty and Fairness 

You can explain to your child: ‘True friends stand by each other with honesty. Blaming someone else to make yourself look good might feel safe for a moment, but it hurts your friendship and makes it hard for people to trust you.’ This helps them to see the long-term impact of their words. 

Practise Alternative, Honest Responses 

You can role-play how they could answer honestly in a difficult situation without placing all the blame on their friend. 

• ‘I was also a part of what happened.’ 

• ‘We both made a mistake.’ 

• ‘It happened while we were playing together, but I will take responsibility for my part.’ 

By practising, children learn the language that balances honesty with fairness. 

Encourage Them to Practise Empathy 

Ask your child to imagine how their friend might feel in this situation: ‘How would you feel if someone blamed you for something just to make themselves look better? Would you want to play with them again afterwards?’ This helps them to develop empathy, which makes them less likely to repeat the behaviour. 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘It was all my friend’s fault, not mine.’ 

Parent: ‘I know it can feel easier to blame your friend. But when you do that, it makes it hard for people to trust you. It is much stronger and braver to say, “I had a part in it too.” That shows honesty and real courage.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam emphasises justice, loyalty, and speaking the truth, even when it is difficult. Teaching your child these values helps them to see that protecting their own image at the expense of others is not an honourable act in the sight of Allah. 

The Command to Stand Firm in Justice 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verse 135: 

‘O you who are believers, remain upright in upholding justice, bearing witness (to such actions) for the sake of Allah (Almighty); even if it goes against your own interest, or that of your parents, or your close relatives…’ 

This verse teaches a child that fairness and honesty are paramount, even if it means admitting their own mistake. You can explain: ‘Allah wants us to be fair, even when it feels hard for us. That is what makes a person truly strong.’ 

Betraying a Friend Is a Breach of Trust 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 5021, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is entrusted, he betrays.’ 

This hadith can be simplified for a child: ‘When we blame a friend unfairly, it is like breaking the trust they have in us. Allah loves it when we are truthful and loyal, not when we betray others to save ourselves.’ 

By linking the principles of fairness and loyalty to their faith, you help your child to see that real honour is not found in looking good at someone else’s expense, but in being honest, just, and trustworthy. Over time, they will learn that this kind of honesty strengthens both their friendships and their standing with Allah.