What do I say when my child gets a lower grade than expected? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child receives a lower grade than they had hoped for, the weight of disappointment can feel immense. They might feel embarrassed, angry, or even start to believe they are “not smart enough.” If these emotions are handled without care, they can damage a child’s confidence and motivation to learn. The key is to respond not with criticism, but with empathy and guidance, showing them that grades are a measure of progress, not their worth. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings First 

Before offering any advice or solutions, it is crucial to let your child know that you understand their disappointment: 

• ‘I can see you are really upset. You worked hard for this and expected a better result.’ 

• ‘It feels so frustrating when the result does not seem to match the effort you put in.’ 

Validating their emotions helps them to feel heard and emotionally safe with you. 

Reframe the Grade as Feedback 

Teach your child to see their grades as useful information rather than a final judgement on their abilities: 

• ‘This grade simply shows us which areas we can focus on next. It does not define who you are as a person.’ 

• ‘Grades are not the end of the story; they are just one step in the journey of learning.’ 

By shifting the perspective from judgement to information, you reduce any feelings of shame and highlight the opportunity to improve. 

Emphasise Effort and Growth 

Focus your praise on the things they can control, such as their work ethic and attitude: 

• ‘You remained committed to your studies even when the topic was difficult, and that is a success in itself.’ 

• ‘Your determination to learn and improve is much more important than any single grade.’ 

This focus keeps their motivation alive and teaches them that resilience in the face of setbacks matters far more than any single result. 

Have a Reflective Conversation 

Once they are calm, guide them with gentle, reflective questions: 

• ‘Which part of the topic do you feel you understood well?’ 

• ‘Was there anything that was harder than you expected it to be?’ 

• ‘What could we perhaps do differently to prepare for the next test?’ 

This approach builds their problem-solving skills and empowers them, preventing a sense of helplessness. 

Practical Steps to Move Forward 

• Break down large subjects into smaller, more manageable study sessions. 

• Encourage them to ask their teachers for specific feedback or extra help. 

• Make sure to celebrate small improvements and milestones along the way, not just the final grades. 

By making the focus about improvement, not perfection, you teach your child that academic setbacks are simply stepping stones on the path to learning. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam reminds us that while the effort, sincerity, and patience we apply are within our control, the final outcomes are always in the hands of Allah Almighty. A lower-than-expected grade can be transformed into a profound lesson in humility, resilience, and trust in the wisdom of Allah. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Najam (53), Verse 39: 

‘And they shall be nothing (to account) for mankind except what he has undertaken.’ 

This verse highlights a powerful truth: what truly belongs to us is our effort, not necessarily the result we hoped for. Teaching this to your child helps them to focus on striving with sincerity, secure in the knowledge that their grades are secondary to their intention and hard work. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 79, that the holy Prophet Muhammad said: 

‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both. Be eager for what benefits you, seek help from Allah, and do not be helpless. If something befalls you, do not say: If only I had done such-and-such, rather say: Qaddar Allah wa ma sha’a fa‘al (Allah has decreed and what He wills, He does), for “if only” opens the door to the work of Shaytan.’ 

This beautiful hadith perfectly balances the need for effort with trust in the divine decree. It teaches us to strive for what is beneficial, seek Allah’s help in our endeavours, and then accept the outcomes with patience and trust. 

When you remind your child of this principle, you give them both comfort and motivation. They learn that grades are not the ultimate measure of their value, but are simply signposts for growth. True success is found in consistent effort, patience through setbacks, and unwavering trust in the plan of Allah Almighty. 

In time, your child will learn to approach their studies and exams with a mature outlook: striving diligently, accepting the results with dignity, and always remembering that true success is measured by their sincerity and resilience in both learning and faith.