What Do I Say When My Child Copies Unkind Jokes to Fit In? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a common and powerful instinct for children to want to feel accepted by their peers, and sometimes this means they will copy what others say, even if it involves repeating unkind or hurtful jokes. While the desire to fit in is entirely natural, this behaviour can normalise cruelty and cause real damage to friendships. Your role is to help your child understand that true belonging is built on a foundation of kindness and respect, not on joining in with negativity. 

First, Acknowledge Their Need for Acceptance 

Before you can guide their behaviour, it is important to first show that you understand the feeling behind it. You can start by saying, ‘I know that you really want your friends to like you and for you to feel part of the group. Everyone wants to fit in.’ This reassures your child that their feelings are normal and makes them more receptive to your guidance. 

Explain the Harm in Repeating Unkindness 

Help your child to see the wider impact of their words, moving their focus from their own intention to the actual effect. You could explain, ‘When you repeat an unkind joke, even if you did not make it up, you become part of the hurt it causes. True friends do not make each other feel good by making someone else feel bad.’ This teaches them about shared responsibility. 

Equip Them with Gentle Ways to Redirect 

Give your child a few simple, low-risk phrases they can use to gracefully opt out of the negativity without making a scene. You could suggest they: 

• Change the subject with a lighter comment. 

• Say simply, ‘I do not find that one very funny. Let us joke about something else.’ 

Having these tools ready gives them a way to resist the pressure without feeling excluded. 

Build Their Confidence Through Practice 

You can build your child’s moral courage by rehearsing these situations at home. You might say, ‘Let us imagine someone in your group makes a joke about another child’s new haircut.’ Then, guide your child to practise a response, such as, ‘I do not think that is a kind thing to say. Anyway, did you see the football match last night?’ This role-play helps to build the confidence to act differently in a real-life moment. 

Praise Their Courage and Integrity 

When your child tells you that they chose not to join in with an unkind joke, make sure you celebrate their decision. You could say, ‘I am so proud of you for not copying that joke. That showed real strength of character and kindness.’ This affirms that staying true to their own good values is far more important than gaining the temporary approval of others. 

By teaching awareness, offering alternatives, and praising integrity, you help your child to understand that the strongest and most real friendships are always built on a foundation of mutual respect, not cruelty. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that our words are powerful and have real consequences, and that believers are called to guard their tongues from causing any harm. The act of copying an unkind joke may seem like a small thing, but it goes directly against the prophetic character of mercy, compassion, and respect for the dignity of others. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Qaaf (50), Verse 18: 

‘ (Man) is unable to utter a single word, without him being closely observed (and all actions being recorded), who is always present.‘ 

This powerful verse is a direct reminder to our children that every single word they speak matters and is being recorded. This includes even the most casual of jokes, which are weighed for their kindness or their harm. 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 1515, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Indeed a servant may speak a word pleasing to Allah, without considering it of any significance, yet Allah raises him in rank because of it. And indeed a servant may speak a word displeasing to Allah, without considering it of any significance, yet he falls into Hell because of it.’ 

This hadith teaches us the immense weight that even seemingly small words can carry in the sight of Allah. It is a crucial lesson for children that there is no such thing as a “harmless” unkind joke. 

When children learn that repeating unkind jokes is neither a harmless act nor a true path to friendship, they are better prepared to choose the path of kindness and integrity. Over time, this understanding helps them to build strong and sincere friendships that are rooted in mutual respect, while also seeking the pleasure of Allah through every word they speak.