Parenting Perspective 

Grandparents often show their love through generosity, whether with treats or by bending the rules. However, this can sometimes slip into triangulation, where a child is told, ‘Do not tell Mum and Dad, this is just our little secret’. Although usually well-intentioned, this practice undermines parental authority and teaches children that secrecy is acceptable. A calm, respectful, and direct response is the best way to protect family harmony while keeping your boundaries intact. 

Address the Grandparents with Respectful Clarity 

It is important to address the grandparents directly, beginning with an appreciation of their role before stating the boundary. For example, you could say, ‘We love that you want to make the children so happy, and we are grateful for your generosity. However, when they are told to keep a secret from us, it can make them feel confused and unsettled. We would prefer it if all treats and special exceptions were given openly’. This approach acknowledges their loving intention while clearly drawing the line. 

Guide Your Children Towards Honesty 

It is also helpful to guide your children on how to handle these situations. You could tell them, ‘Grandparents love you very much, and they love giving you extra treats. But in our home, we have a rule that we always share things openly with Mum and Dad’. This teaches them that love and honesty go hand in hand, without making them feel caught in a loyalty conflict. 

Suggest Alternative Ways to Show Affection 

To channel their generosity in a way that supports family unity, you can suggest alternative ways for them to show affection that align with your household boundaries. This could include a special bedtime story, a fun walk to the park, or helping to choose a dessert for the whole family to share. This helps to strengthen unity rather than secrecy. 

By using clear but respectful language with everyone involved, you can protect your parental authority, reassure your children of your family values, and maintain the dignity of the grandparents, all while avoiding unnecessary conflict. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam commands us to honour the role of elders, while simultaneously giving parents the ultimate responsibility for guiding and raising their children. Setting respectful boundaries with grandparents is a practical application of balancing these duties with mercy and justice. 

Balancing Respect and Mercy with Elders 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 24: 

‘ And spread over them (your) auspices with humility and mercy; (and plead for them and) say: “O my Sustainer, have mercy (and forgiveness) on both of them, because they have nurtured me when I was a child”.‘ 

This beautiful verse commands us to treat elders with humility and mercy. When communicating a boundary with a grandparent, approaching the conversation with this spirit of gentleness and respect is essential, even while remaining firm in your parental responsibility. 

The Ultimate Authority of a Parent 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 2377, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘It is not permissible for a man to give a gift and then take it back, except for a father regarding what he gives to his child.’ 

While this Hadith discusses gifts, its underlying principle is that parents retain ultimate authority and responsibility over what their children receive and how they are raised. This reinforces the parents’ right and duty to set the final rules for their household. 

By responding kindly but firmly when grandparents encourage triangulation, you uphold both the Islamic ideal of respect for elders and your God-given responsibility as a parent. Your children then grow up in a home where love, honesty, and unity coexist under the guidance of clear and consistent values.