What do I say when grandparents compare looks, grades or weight? 

Parenting Perspective 

Grandparents often mean well, but comparisons between children about their appearance, academic marks, or body shape can be deeply wounding. Even casual comments like, ‘Your brother is slimmer than you,’ or ‘She gets better grades,’ can plant seeds of insecurity and sibling rivalry. As a parent, you need a script that can protect your child’s dignity without disrespecting the elders in your family. 

Intervene Calmly but Clearly 

If a comparison is made in your presence, it is best to respond in a gentle yet firm manner. You could say, ‘In our family, we prefer to celebrate each child for who they are, not to compare them with one another.’ This helps to redirect the conversation without causing a confrontation, and it shows your children that you are their protector. 

Reframe the Conversation Positively 

It can also be helpful to add a sense of balance to the conversation. For example, ‘She works so hard on her studies, and he has such a kind and generous heart. Both are wonderful strengths that we are very grateful for.’ By shifting the focus to each child’s individual and unique qualities, you are modelling the idea that a person’s worth is not measured in a single category. 

Reassure Your Child Privately Afterwards 

Later on, it is important to reassure your child in private. You could say, ‘You do not have to look like anyone else or get the same grades as them. What matters most is that you are trying your best and growing into the wonderful person that Allah made you to be.’ This helps to protect them from internalising the comparisons and seeing them as a reflection of their worth. 

When it is handled consistently, this approach teaches children that their worth is not up for public debate, and that their parents will always be there to guard their dignity. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, making harmful comparisons and engaging in any form of mockery is strongly condemned, as it can damage a person’s dignity. True worth is measured not by worldly standards, but by a person’s inner state and righteous actions. 

The Islamic Prohibition of Harmful Comparisons 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 11: 

‘Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them; and let not the women (ridicule) other women, as perhaps they may be better than them…’ 

This verse reminds us that making comparisons and engaging in ridicule can cause great harm to a person’s dignity and may in fact conceal the true virtue of the one being belittled. 

The Prophetic Focus on Inner Worth 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2564, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah does not look at your appearance or wealth, but He looks at your hearts and your deeds.’ 

This hadith teaches us that a person’s true worth is measured not by their looks or their worldly achievements, but by the sincerity of their heart and the righteousness of their actions. 

By calmly countering comparisons with respect and dignity, parents are reflecting these beautiful Quranic and Prophetic principles. Their children learn from this that their value comes not from any competition or from their outward appearance, but from the dignity that Allah Almighty has given them and the sincere effort they make in His sight.