What do I do when rough play becomes a cover for bullying? 

Parenting Perspective 

Rough and tumble play can be a healthy part of a child’s development, but bullying is never acceptable. The problem is that children sometimes disguise put downs, targeting, or ganging up on another child inside the frame of “just joking.” Your goal is to protect the dignity of every child, separate real play from harmful behaviour, and teach the skills that keep power balanced. 

Spot the Shift from Play to Bullying 

It is important to name the signs of this shift so you can act early. Look for one child being repeatedly singled out, laughter that does not stop when someone asks, or “accidents” that keep happening. A key red flag is when the rules are bent simply to embarrass another child. You can teach your children a simple principle: ‘If it is not fun for everyone, it is not play.’ This removes the shield of “just kidding.” 

Reset the Frame on the Spot 

Step in close, use a steady voice, and keep your intervention brief: ‘Pause. That is not play. Real play needs consent and respect.’ Move the children apart and change the context for a minute or two to allow their adrenaline to drop. It is best to avoid courtroom style questions like, ‘Were you bullying him?’ Instead, focus on the impact of the behaviour: ‘He said to stop, and you kept going.’ 

Use a Simple Three-Step Intervention 

A simple, three step process can be very effective in these moments. 

• Protect: ‘Pause. Bodies apart. I am with you now.’ 

• Name: ‘He said stop, and you ignored him. That crosses our family rule of consent and respect.’ 

• Redirect: ‘You have a choice: you can either restart with safer rules on the mat, or we can switch to a cooperative game.’ 

Offering choices helps to preserve a child’s dignity while making the boundary clear and non-negotiable. 

Provide Clear and Simple Scripts 

Coach your children on simple lines that are easy for them to remember and use under pressure. 

• For the target child: ‘That is too hard. Stop,’ or ‘That is not funny for me.’ 

• For the other child: ‘Okay, I get it. I am slowing down now,’ or ‘Let us switch to a different game.’ 

Establish Consequences That Teach 

The consequence for this behaviour should be predictable and linked to the principle of safety. 

• First breach: A one minute pause and an immediate check in. 

• Second breach: Rough play ends for the day, and the child is invited to join a quieter activity. 

• A repeated pattern: A short family meeting to restate the rules, with future rough play being limited to supervised, short rounds. 

It is helpful to say, ‘This is not a punishment for having fun. It is about protecting people.’ 

Parent: ‘Pause. That is not play. He asked you to stop.’ 

Child A: ‘But we were only joking!’ 

Parent: ‘Jokes stop being jokes when someone feels small. You have two choices: you can play on your knees only for twenty second rounds with a timer, or you can choose a different game.’ 

Child B: ‘Timer rounds.’ 

Parent: ‘Good. You can start after you both say yes.’ 

Rebuild with a Simple Repair 

Before restarting the game, require a brief and simple repair: ‘I kept going after you said stop. I will slow down now.’ If a child responds with sarcasm, it is best to end the session for the day and say, ‘We will try this again tomorrow when we are able to protect each other’s dignity.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us to honour one another with good speech and self-restraint. Our words should protect people’s hearts, not cause them pain. The honour of a fellow Muslim is considered sacred, and we are commanded to protect it. 

The Command to Speak Kindly 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 83: 

‘..And speak to the people with dignity, and establish your prayers, and give your benevolent donations – ‘Zakah’;…’ 

This verse reminds us that kindness in our speech is a divine command, not just a suggestion. When you stop “jokes” that belittle a sibling and require the use of respectful scripts, you are teaching your children to live by this verse in their everyday play. 

The Sacredness of a Muslim’s Honour 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2564, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every Muslim is sacred to another Muslim his blood, his wealth, and his honour.’ 

This hadith teaches that harming a person’s honour, even under the cover of “fun,” is not a light matter. By ending any roughness that is masked as teasing, requiring an immediate stop at the word ‘pause’, and coaching a brief and sincere repair, you are guarding a child’s honour in the very space where it is most often tested.