What do I do when relatives use shaming words after misbehaviour?

Parenting Perspective

When a relative reacts to your child’s misbehaviour with phrases like, ‘You are so naughty,’ or, ‘Shame on you,’ your child can hear this as a final verdict on their identity, rather than as guidance about their behaviour. Your aim is to protect your child’s dignity in the moment, to correct their behaviour clearly, and to set respectful boundaries with other adults so that your child’s accountability can remain firm, without any humiliation.

Your steady stance in these moments teaches two lessons at once. To your child, it shows that their identity is always protected, even while their deeds are being corrected. To your relatives, it shows that your home culture is firm, kind, and effective.

Stabilise Your Child First

Move close to your child, lower your voice, and offer an anchor of safety: ‘You are safe with me. We will fix what has happened.’ A dysregulated child cannot learn. Give them sixty seconds to co-regulate, and then name their behaviour in clear, factual words: ‘You threw the toy.’ Follow this with a tiny act of repair: ‘Now, please pick it up and hand it back gently.’

Interrupt the Shaming Swiftly and Politely

You can use a simple, one-line interrupter that helps to de-escalate the situation, rather than inflame it.

· ‘In our family, we correct the behaviour, but we do not label the child.’

· ‘We have got it from here. Thank you.’

· ‘We prefer to have these conversations in private, please. We are handling it.’

Correct Their Conduct Without Attacking Their Character

Keep your correction to the simple structure of Fact, Feeling, and Fix.

· Fact: ‘You shouted while your Auntie was talking.’

· Feeling: ‘It seems you were feeling very frustrated.’

· Fix: ‘You can say, “I will wait for my turn,” and then try again.’

Set Calm Boundaries with Relatives

If the shaming language continues, you may need to have a brief, private word with the relative: ‘In our home, we always try to address a child’s actions with respect. Please could you avoid using labels like “naughty” or “shame”. If you have a concern, please speak to me about it and I will handle it.’

Give Your Child Protective Scripts

You can also equip your child with short, respectful phrases to use in these situations.

· To an adult: ‘I am fixing it now with my Mum/Dad.’

· To a peer: ‘I should not have done that, and I am repairing it now.’

Mini Dialogue Example

Relative: ‘Shame on you. You always ruin things for everyone.’

Parent: ‘We do not use shaming words in our family. We are correcting the behaviour now.’

Parent to child: ‘The fact is that you pushed him. The fix is that you will give him some space and then check if he is okay.’

Spiritual Insight

In an Islamic home, mercy is what frames our discipline, and the truth is what guides it. By interrupting shaming words, correcting a child with clear facts, and insisting on one timely act of repair, you can raise a child who trusts in your love, who is able to own their actions, and who can grow in their character for the sake of Allah.

Speak What Is Best, Especially Under Strain

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 53:

‘And inform My servants that they should speak in only the politest manner (when they speak to the extremists in disbelief); indeed, Satan is (always ready for) infusing anarchy between them, as indeed, Satan is the most visible enemy for mankind.’

This reminds us that our words can either heal or harm, and that we should always choose the speech that guides without wounding. You can model this yourself by using facts, fair consequences, and quick amends, rather than insults or labels.

Placing Boundaries on the Tongue

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 47, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him speak good or remain silent.’

This teaches us that restraint in our speech is a sign of faith in action. You can make it a family rule that all members of the family, both adults and children, must keep their tongues within the bounds of ‘saying what is good or remaining silent’ during moments of correction. Your child will learn from this that Islam protects a person’s dignity, while still holding them accountable for their actions.