What do I do first when both of us are dysregulated? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is one of the hardest parenting moments: your child is melting down, you feel your own chest tighten, your patience slipping, and suddenly you are both in a storm. You know what calm parenting looks like, but you cannot reach it because you are also flooded. In that moment, logic is gone for both of you. The first step is not to fix the situation; it is to find safety in stillness. 

Understanding what is happening helps: when emotions spike, both your nervous systems are in “fight or flight.” Your child’s distress activates your own, and the cycle feeds itself. You cannot guide your child from chaos while standing in it, so your first task is to regulate yourself before attempting to regulate them. 

Step One: Pause Even for Ten Seconds 

You do not need perfect composure; you need a moment’s pause. Turn away slightly, close your eyes, or simply lower your shoulders. Whisper to yourself: 

• “We are both upset right now. I will breathe first.” 

That one conscious breath interrupts the emotional feedback loop. The pause is not neglect; it is leadership. Children sense calm faster than they hear words, so you are resetting the energy before re-engaging. 

Step Two: Ground Your Body Before Using Your Voice 

Your body will want to move, argue, or match your child’s intensity. Instead, ground yourself: 

• Plant your feet firmly on the floor. 

• Breathe out longer than you breathe in. 

• Drop your shoulders and unclench your hands. 

This slows your heart rate and signals your body that danger has passed. Once you feel your tone soften, you are ready to reconnect. 

Step Three: Simplify Your Words 

In a dysregulated moment, both brains are flooded with emotion. Long explanations sound like noise. Use a short, calm line that prioritises safety and connection: 

• “We are both upset. Let us take a break and talk when we are calm.” 

Then follow through create a few minutes of physical separation if safe. A glass of water, a walk to another room, or sitting quietly can reset both nervous systems faster than forced conversation. 

Step Four: Repair, Do Not Rehash 

Once calm returns, talk briefly about what happened; not to blame, but to rebuild trust. You might say: 

• “That got intense, did not it? I lost my calm too, and I am sorry. Next time, we will pause sooner.” 

This humility does not weaken authority; it strengthens it. Children learn emotional regulation not from perfect parents, but from repaired moments. 

Step Five: Build Preventive Awareness 

Reflect later, not in guilt but in curiosity. Ask yourself: 

• What triggered me most in that moment? 

• Did I need rest, support, or space before reacting? 

• What signs show I am nearing overload next time? 

When you know your signals racing heartbeat, clenched jaw, fast talking you can pause earlier next time. Prevention is mastery. 

Remember: calm is not about never losing control; it is about returning to peace faster each time. Every repair rewires your child’s sense of safety “Even when we fall apart, we can come back together.” 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings offer profound wisdom for moments of emotional turbulence. The noble Quran and the Sunnah of the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ teach that self-restraint during anger and distress is not just emotional intelligence; it is spiritual excellence. 

Finding Peace in Self-Control 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 43: 

‘And for the person who is patient and forgiving, indeed, (these acts are derived from) higher moral determination.’ 

This verse reminds us that the strength to pause in heated moments is a sign of ‘azm determination and spiritual maturity. When you choose stillness over reaction, you are not avoiding your child’s feelings; you are embodying divine patience. 

The Prophet’s ﷺGuidance for Anger 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4782, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘If one of you becomes angry while standing, let him sit down; if the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise, let him lie down.’ 

This teaching directly mirrors modern regulation science. Changing posture reduces physical tension and diffuses emotional energy. In moments when both you and your child are dysregulated, even sitting together on the floor can soften intensity and symbolically lower conflict. 

Using Dhikr to Reset 

When words fail, remembrance works. Quietly say “A‘udhu billahi minash shaytanir rajim” (I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed devil), or breathe with the rhythm of “Ya Salaam” one of Allah’s beautiful names, meaning The Source of Peace. This grounds your heart in spiritual calm while guiding your breath into gentle rhythm. 

Encourage your child, once settled, to join in simple remembrance: 

• “Let us breathe and say Alhamdulillah together until we feel better.” 

You are teaching them that calm is both a physical act and a form of worship. 

When both you and your child are overwhelmed, your first act of love is not correction; it is composure. Each time you stop yourself from reacting, you model the prophetic path of sabr (patience) and rahmah (mercy). Through your breathing, silence, and gentleness, your child learns that anger can pass without damage, that relationships can bend without breaking, and that peace when chosen consciously is one of Allah Almighty’s greatest gifts.