What changes can I make so they see growth in me while unlearning my bad example? 

Parenting Perspective 

Every parent wants to be a positive role model, but it can be disheartening when we fall short and see our children mirroring behaviours we wish to change. This is not a moment for despair, but an opportunity to teach one of life’s most valuable lessons: the importance of self-improvement and accountability. The key is to make tangible, observable changes that demonstrate that personal growth is a continuous journey, not a fixed destination. 

Acknowledge the Need for Change 

Honest self-awareness is the foundation of genuine growth. Recognising where you have fallen short is a sign of strength and the first step toward becoming the example your child deserves. 

• Reflect on Your Behaviour: Take time to reflect on the specific habits you want to change, whether it is impatience, inconsistent discipline, or a pessimistic tone. Acknowledging these patterns is essential before you can begin to alter them. 

• Admit Your Mistakes Openly: Communicate your intentions to your child in an age-appropriate way. This models humility and shows them that taking responsibility is a noble act. For example, you could say, ‘I realise that I have been impatient lately, and I am sorry. I am going to work on being calmer.’ 

Take Active Steps Towards Change 

Children learn best by observation. Your visible and consistent efforts will be the most effective lesson in how to grow. 

• Set Clear Goals for Improvement: Be specific about what you want to achieve. If your goal is to stop raising your voice, your intention should be to use a calm tone even when you feel stressed. Break this down into smaller, actionable steps. 

• Implement Strategies for Change: Identify practical tools to help you. If you tend to speak harshly, practise the pause-and-breathe technique before reacting. This creates new neural pathways and builds a habit of calm responsiveness. 

• Make the Change Visible: Your child needs to see your efforts in action. If you have been inconsistent, make a point of following through on promises and routines. These small, consistent changes are what rebuild trust and demonstrate your commitment. 

Involve Your Child in the Process 

Transform your personal growth into a collaborative family project. This empowers your child and reinforces the lesson on a deeper level. 

• Make it a Shared Journey: Invite your child to support you. You might say, ‘I am working on being more patient. If you see me starting to get frustrated, a gentle reminder to take a breath would really help.’ This makes growth a shared responsibility rather than a top-down directive. 

• Teach the Importance of Growth: Use this as a chance to talk about the concept of self-improvement. Reinforce the idea that making positive changes is something to be proud of and that everyone has areas they can work on. 

Reinforce Positive Behaviour and Model Patience 

Celebrate progress and be kind to yourself during setbacks. Your resilience is also a powerful lesson. 

• Praise Small Wins: When you succeed, acknowledge it. For example, ‘I am pleased I managed to stay calm just now.’ This shows your child that progress is made one small step at a time. 

• Be Patient with Yourself: Growth is not linear. There will be setbacks. Modelling perseverance and self-compassion when you falter teaches your child that the effort, not perfection, is what matters most. 

By making your journey of self-improvement a visible and shared experience, you do more than just correct a bad habit; you teach your child invaluable lessons in humility, resilience, and the lifelong pursuit of becoming a better person. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the act of striving for self-improvement is a continuous form of worship. Allah sees and rewards our sincere efforts to refine our character. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tawbah (9), Verse 105: 

‘ And say (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ): “Act (as you choose), as Allah (Almighty), and His Prophet (Muhammad ﷺ), and the believers are observing your deeds…”.’ 

This verse is a powerful reminder that our actions are witnessed by Allah. When we make a sincere effort to improve for the sake of our families and ourselves, we can be assured that this deed is seen and valued by our Creator, regardless of how small the step may seem. 

Our character is the ultimate measure of our faith and improving it is a noble goal. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6029, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best of you are those who are best in character.’ 

This hadith teaches us that personal growth is not just about changing external behaviours but is central to our spiritual development. When we model the struggle to improve our character, we are not just guiding our children in worldly matters; we are showing them the path to becoming among the “best of you” in the sight of Allah.