What can I do when my child starts screaming or crying the moment I say ‘no’ to something they want?
Parenting Perspective
When a child reacts with screams or tears upon encountering the word ‘no’, it is essential to recognise that this behaviour does not necessarily indicate disobedience; rather, it reflects their frustration stemming from unfulfilled desires, articulated through their limited means of expression. During early childhood, the capacity for emotional regulation is in a formative stage, and it is common for children to lack the vocabulary or self-discipline necessary to navigate feelings of disappointment in a composed manner. Nevertheless, the establishment of consistent boundaries is essential. When parents consistently acquiesce to their child’s cry, they may unintentionally reinforce this behaviour, thereby instructing the child that vocalising their distress yields favourable outcomes.
To address this matter, it is essential to assertively uphold the boundary while demonstrating an understanding of their emotions. For instance, articulating, ‘I recognise that you are feeling upset due to your desire for that outcome, however, my response remains no,’ effectively acknowledges their emotional state while refraining from endorsing the behaviour in question. Maintaining composure and avoiding any escalation of the situation is of utmost importance. Following the incident, when both the parent and child are in a regulated state, it is advisable for parents to assist their children in reflecting on the events that transpired and to examine more effective methods for articulating their frustration. This method, when consistently applied, fosters resilience and cultivates emotional maturity over time. Establishing a consistent environment with clearly defined expectations significantly diminishes the probability of such outbursts.
Spiritual Insight
Islamic guidance provides deep wisdom on handling moments of testing, especially those involving patience and compassion. Allah Almighty teaches believers the value of self-restraint and consistency in action. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Asr (103), Verses 2–3: ‘Indeed, mankind shall surely (remain in a state) of deprivation (moral deficit), except for those people who are believers and undertake virtuous acts; and
encouraging (cultivating within themselves and with one another the realisation and dissemination of) the truth…’ This verse reminds us that being truthful in our parenting decisions, even when difficult, and modelling patience is a righteous act. Children learn not just from what we say, but from how we act under pressure. Moreover, the noble Quran highlights the value of mercy in parenting. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Anbiyaa (21), Verse 107: ‘And We (Allah Almighty) did not send you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ), except as a mercy for the whole of the trans-universal existence
Parents are encouraged to follow the example of holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ who embodied gentleness, firmness, and mercy in balance. It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Book 36, Hadith 2381, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘He who shows no mercy to the people, Allah shows him no mercy’ This Hadith does not mean avoiding discipline but applying it with care and compassion. Saying ‘no’ to something that is not appropriate for the child, while being empathetic to their distress, reflects this Prophetic balance. When children learn that ‘no’ is not rejection but guidance, it becomes easier for them to accept limits with time and trust. Parents should make Dua for wisdom and strength, knowing that with every effort to guide sincerely, they draw closer to the mercy of Allah Almighty.
