What can I do when my child blames themselves for being picked on? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child begins to say, ‘Maybe it is my fault they pick on me,’ the wound has turned inward. The cruelty they have faced has started to rewrite how they see themselves. They are not only hurt; they are ashamed. This kind of self-blame can be more damaging than the bullying itself, because it replaces the truth, ‘I was mistreated,’ with a lie, ‘I deserved it.’ Your role is not to argue the logic out of them, but to gently restore their sense of innocence and worth, showing them that what happened to them says nothing about who they are. 

Listen Without Immediate Correction 

When your child says, ‘Maybe I caused it,’ you must resist the urge to reply too quickly with, ‘No, you did not!’ While this feels like a natural response, it can make them feel unheard. Instead, slow down and say something that invites them to share more: 

• ‘It sounds like you have been thinking a lot about this.’ 

• ‘Tell me what makes you feel that it might be your fault.’ 

This response helps them to feel seen and gives them the space to hear their own thoughts out loud, which is often the first step to realising how unfair their self-blame is. 

Separate Behaviour From Blame 

Once they begin to open up, acknowledge any truth in what they are trying to express, but reframe it clearly: ‘Being quiet or different does not cause someone to be unkind. The choice to hurt is always theirs.’ 

Children often confuse being different with being at fault. Your calm and consistent repetition of this distinction, that different is not wrong, will slowly help to rebuild their self-worth. 

Explain That Cruelty Is a Choice 

Help them to understand that bullying is never a fair or justified reaction to a person’s traits or mistakes. You can say, ‘Even if someone makes a mistake, kindness is still the right response. Choosing to hurt others is never justified.’ This reframes the events through a lens of moral clarity, not just emotion. When you can explain the difference between a cause and a choice, the fog of guilt begins to lift. 

Rebuild Confidence Through Agency 

Give your child small, empowering roles that remind them of their capabilities, such as helping a younger sibling or assisting with a task at home. Confidence grows when children have the opportunity to act in kind and competent ways. Remind them: ‘The way you treat others says more about you than the way they have treated you.’ Doing good for others helps to restore a sense of dignity. 

Be a Mirror That Reflects the Truth 

Children who have been targeted by cruelty need to see themselves through your steady and loving gaze, not through the distorted lens of their peers. Be intentional with phrases that affirm their worth: 

• ‘You have a gentle nature, and that is a strength.’ 

• ‘You are enough, exactly as you are.’ 

These repeated truths can help to rebuild what harsh words have tried to destroy. Healing from self-blame is a slow process that requires your patience and quiet confidence. 

You cannot erase the cruelty your child has experienced, but you can stop it from taking root in their heart. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that no one has the right to humiliate another, and no believer should carry a false sense of guilt for the wrongdoing of others. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was mocked, excluded, and insulted, yet he never turned the blame inward. His example teaches us that true dignity comes from Allah Almighty alone, and that the injustice of other people cannot stain a person’s worth. 

Innocence and Honour in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 11: 

‘Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them…’ 

This verse helps to restore a proper perspective, showing that mockery reveals the failings of the mocker, not the one being mocked. Teaching this truth to your child anchors them in a sense of divine justice: those who ridicule may seem powerful in the moment, but in the sight of Allah, true dignity belongs to the one who endures with patience. 

The Prophet’s ﷺ Reassurance to the Wronged 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 2444, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one.’ People asked, ‘O Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?’ The Prophet (ﷺ) said, ‘By preventing him from oppressing others.’ 

This teaching makes it clear that the harm of an oppressive act always belongs to the oppressor, never the victim. When your child learns this, they can begin to see that being targeted does not make them weak; it makes them someone whom Allah Almighty commands others to defend. 

When your child blames themselves for being picked on, your compassion becomes their mirror, reflecting the truth where shame once lived. Through patient listening, gentle correction, and faith-grounded reassurance, you can show them that cruelty will never define them. 

Over time, they will learn that while people’s words can bruise, they cannot brand; that their worth is given by Allah, not by crowds; and that carrying themselves with quiet dignity is the strongest answer to every insult ever spoken.