Parenting Perspective 

When a teen points out hypocrisy in your behaviour, it can be a challenging moment. As parents, we sometimes fall short of our own standards, which can lead to accusations of hypocrisy. Acknowledging and addressing this issue requires humility, openness, and a genuine desire to make things right. An apology in this context needs to show that you not only acknowledge the mistake but also understand the emotional impact it had on your child. 

Acknowledge the Specific Behaviour or Inconsistency 

The first step is to recognise exactly what your child is pointing out. When your teen highlights hypocrisy, it often indicates a perceived discrepancy between what you say and what you do. 

• What to do: For example, say something like, ‘I see what you mean. I have asked you to be responsible with your phone, but I have not been as consistent with my own use. That is not fair, and I understand how that would make you feel frustrated.’ 

• Why it works: Directly addressing the hypocrisy shows that you are taking the issue seriously and helps your teen feel heard. 

Apologise Without Excuses 

When apologising for hypocrisy, it is important not to make excuses. Teens are highly attuned to insincerity, and attempting to justify hypocritical behaviour can feel dismissive. 

• What to do: Say something like, ‘You are right. I have been inconsistent with what I expect from you versus what I do myself. That is a mistake, and I am sorry for setting a poor example. I will make sure to change that going forward.’ 

• Why it works: Taking full responsibility without excuses shows that you are humble and willing to grow. 

Explain Briefly and Show Your Desire to Improve 

While it is important not to use excuses, briefly explaining the reasoning behind your behaviour can be helpful if it is not self-justifying. 

• What to do: For example, you might say, ‘I got caught up with my own stress and did not realise how my actions were conflicting with what I have asked of you. I want to do better and set a good example.’ 

• Why it works: Explaining briefly helps your teen see that you are genuinely reflecting on the situation. 

Discuss Steps for Change and Follow Through 

A genuine apology involves making concrete changes to prevent the issue from happening again. Teens need to see that the apology is followed by tangible actions. 

• What to do: Ask your teen for input on how you both can set clearer boundaries. For example, ‘I want us to both be able to follow the rules about technology. Let us figure out a way to set clear expectations together.’ 

• Why it works: Involving your teen in the process of setting up solutions shows them that you respect their input. 

Be Patient and Give Them Time to Process 

Once you have apologised, give your teen time to process the conversation. Even after a sincere apology, your teen may still feel hurt or confused. 

• What to do: After apologising, let them know that you are there when they are ready to continue the conversation. For example, ‘I understand that this may take some time to process. Whenever you are ready, I am here to talk about it more.’ 

• Why it works: Giving space for emotional reflection shows that you respect their feelings and are committed to long-term change. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Promise of Mercy and Forgiveness 

The noble Quran reminds us that Allah’s mercy is vast and all-encompassing. Even when we make mistakes, Allah Almighty offers us the chance for repentance and growth. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 53: 

‘ And inform My servants that they should speak in only the politest manner (when they speak to the extremists in disbelief); indeed, Satan is (always ready for) infusing anarchy between them, as indeed, Satan is the most visible enemy for mankind.‘ 

This same mercy should guide our approach to repairing relationships with our children, showing them that mistakes can be acknowledged and overcome. 

The Importance of Humility and Mercy 

The teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ emphasize that humility and mercy are essential in repairing a relationship, especially when we have made a mistake. 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 641, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘If you do not show mercy to others, Allah will not show mercy to you.’ 

A sincere apology involves recognizing the harm caused, expressing genuine regret, and demonstrating a commitment to change. By acknowledging hypocrisy and offering a heartfelt apology, you can rebuild rapport and strengthen your relationship with your teen.