We disagree on what is misbehaviour and what is normal. How do we find unity when we do not even define discipline the same way? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Root of Disagreement 

Not only does the child experience perplexity, but the parents also experience tension when they are unable to reach a consensus on what constitutes misbehaviour. For example, one parent perceives whining as manipulation, while the other views it as a natural expression of fatigue. 

A Strategy for Finding Unity 

A shared disciplinary strategy starts with a common definition of purpose: what are we attempting to teach our child through discipline? Start there. Sit down and have a calm discussion about What values do we want our child to grow into? Respect? Honesty? Responsibility? Emotional control? Once these fundamental objectives are approved, it becomes simpler to assess conduct through this perspective, rather than solely on the basis of personal irritation or preconceived notions. Next, employ observation. When your child does something that one of you considers ‘normal’ but the other considers inappropriate, discuss it later. For example, You noticed him shouting as expressive. I saw it as disrespectful. What did it look like to you? This promotes mutual understanding rather than defensiveness. Recognise developmental stages. Disagreements can sometimes be caused by unrealistic expectations. If necessary, examine age-appropriate child development guidelines or get help from a reputable parenting educator. When you agree on what a child should and should be able to do at their age, punishment becomes more consistent. Avoid correcting each other in front of the children. If one parent responds while the other disagrees, postpone the debate until later. In the meantime, support each other calmly: Let us go with what Dad said for now, and we will discuss it later. This keeps unity in your child’s eyes, even if you are working on it behind the scenes. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places a high value on Shura (mutual consultation), particularly in family matters. Disagreements are not a sign of failure, but rather an opportunity to speak with wisdom and humility. The trick is to return to common values and build from there. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Ash-Shura (42), Verse 38: 

“And those who have responded to their Lord and established prayer and whose affair is [determined by] consultation among themselves. “

This verse honours those who base their decisions on mutual discourse, a quality required for good co-parenting. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 5188, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

“A man is a guardian of his family and responsible (for them); a wife is a guardian of her husband’s house and she is responsible (for it).” 

This Hadith reminds us that both parents are responsible, and they must act with purpose rather than response. Instead of simply reacting to what irritates you, you can progress from conflict to shared discipline by agreeing on what you want your child to become. Unity begins with aiming in the same direction rather than being identical.