We avoid all touch in front of the kids, even a light hand on the shoulder. Is that modesty, or are we withholding emotional safety? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Risk of Emotional Absence 

If the objective is modesty, that is fine; yet, if it results in complete emotional isolation, children may perceive tension rather than dignity. A mild touch between parents, such as a reassuring hand or a kind gesture of caring, is not inappropriate. It is a silent language that children understand better than words. When children never witness their parents display even the smallest amount of emotion, they may perceive marriage as cold, distant, or fragile. 

Stabilising Gestures, Not Romantic Ones 

You do not have to show affection. However, you do not have to disguise your tenderness. A light pat on the back, a nice smile with a touch on the shoulder, or hand-holding during duʿa are not romantic gestures. They are stabilising ones. They inform a child, “My parents are safe with each other, so I am too.” When toddlers detect emotional stress in a situation, they are often unable to express it, but they absorb it strongly. Emotional modesty should never be confused with emotional absence. A child should grow up knowing that compassion and respect can coexist, and that love is something to be celebrated, even quietly. 

Spiritual Insight 

Modesty in Islam does not imply the repression of affection. It is the refinement of how affection is communicated – with dignity, intent, and consideration for others’ emotional space. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ exemplified this balance well. He was genuinely modest, but also openly kind and affectionate within appropriate boundaries. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 74: 

‘And those people that say: O our Sustainer, Grant to us (those circumstances that) makes our spouses and our offspring, a comfort for our eyes; and make us from those that have attained piety, and a role model.’ 

This verse connects emotional comfort and visible familial harmony. That comfort is not abstract; it is frequently felt through kind gestures, peaceful interactions, and evident kindness. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 676, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ would show affection to his family. When asked what the Prophet (ﷺ) used to do in his house, Aisha (RA) replied: 

‘He used to keep himself busy serving his family. ‘

So when you withhold all gestures of comfort in the name of modesty, reflect: Is this modesty enriching your child’s emotional safety, or eroding it? With the correct aim and careful touch, you may model both haya and harmony. And this balance will remain with your child even after they have grown up.