Parenting Perspective 

Teaching a child to say ‘sorry’ as a component of good manners is primarily about equipping them with the correct social tools. While this is certainly useful, it often focuses solely on the external acts of politeness and routine. Guiding a child towards a heartfelt apology, on the other hand, is a much deeper process. It involves helping them to recognise the hurt they may have caused, feel genuine empathy for the other person, and sincerely want to repair the situation. 

Manners as a Social Habit 

When we teach manners, our focus is typically on external behaviour, such as saying ‘please’, ‘thank you’, or ‘sorry’ at the appropriate times. This helps children to navigate social situations effectively and is an important part of their upbringing. However, it does not always guarantee sincerity. A child can learn to say ‘sorry’ automatically as a reflex, without truly understanding or feeling why it is necessary. 

A Heartfelt Apology as Empathy in Action 

A heartfelt apology stems from a child’s recognition of the impact of their actions and their feeling of responsibility to make amends. It is an intentional act of kindness, not a social script. For example, instead of just muttering ‘sorry’ after pushing a sibling, a heartfelt apology might look like this: “I am so sorry I pushed you. Are you alright? Can I help you up?” This demonstrates true empathy and care. 

How to Bridge Manners and Sincerity 

You can begin by teaching manners to establish the social habit of apologising, but it is crucial to move beyond this by consistently connecting the apology to feelings. You can gently ask questions like, “Why are we saying sorry in this situation? How do you think that made your friend feel?” This guidance helps a child to transform a polite manner into a meaningful act of empathy. When children are taught to value both, they learn an important lesson: polite words are a component of good manners, but it is sincerity and restorative action that truly bring about healing. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, both good manners (adab) and sincerity (ikhlas) are essential components of a believer’s character, but they are not the same thing. Good manners provide the structure for a harmonious social life, while sincerity ensures that those manners are meaningful and weighty in the sight of Allah Almighty. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Bayyinah (98), Verses 5: 

‘And they were not commanded to worship anyone except Allah (Almighty); become sincere (in following) the pathway of life (compliant with existential nature as created by Allah Almighty)…’ 

This verse reminds us that sincerity is at the very heart of worship. By extension, it is also at the heart of all our righteous actions, including the act of offering an apology. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ also emphasised the immense value of good character. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2003, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Nothing is heavier on the Scale of Deeds than good character.’ 

This teaches us that good manners and a noble character carry an enormous weight in the sight of Allah. However, they are most valuable and beautiful when they are tied to a sincere and compassionate heart. By showing children that good manners are the outer shell while heartfelt sincerity is the inner core, they learn that both are necessary for a complete character. Saying ‘sorry’ politely helps to keep the peace but saying it with sincerity is what truly heals hearts and earns the love and pleasure of Allah Almighty. This balanced approach nurtures children into becoming adults who value both excellent etiquette and genuine compassion.