Sometimes my spouse uses a harsh tone with me, and our child mimics that later. How can I break that pattern before it takes root in their behaviour? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Impact of Mimicry 

Children are extremely observant; they learn more from what they see than from what they hear. When children see one parent use a harsh, dismissive, or sarcastic tone towards the other, they are silently learning a model of how to communicate with those they care about. If this dynamic persists, the child may learn to imitate that tone, not out of malice, but because it has grown familiar. The most pressing worry is not the act itself, but the normalisation of it. Children reared in emotionally imbalanced environments frequently internalise power dynamics without knowing it. If they observe one parent consistently receiving disrespect without a response, they may internalise the notion that such behaviour is acceptable, or even expected, in intimate relationships. 

A Strategy to Break the Pattern 

To break this tendency, you do not have to involve the child in the quarrel. However, you must create a distinct model. When your child mimics that tone, kindly educate them and make it plain that everyone in this house communicates with one another with respect. Use sentences such as: “Let us try that again with a more respectful voice,” along with “In our family, we speak to each other gently.” Equally crucial is how you handle the situation with your spouse. When the child is not present, make it obvious that their tone is being absorbed and copied, and that this is influencing the child’s future behaviour. Avoid assigning blame and instead speak from a place of responsibility: “What our child sees between us now becomes part of their character later.” Consistency is extremely important. The more a child observes warmth, mutual regard, and soft communication, the more natural it is for them to emulate it, even if there have been previous instances of stress. 

Spiritual Insight 

The way we speak to one another has both emotional and spiritual consequences. In Islam, tone is not neutral; it reflects one’s emotional condition and defines the household atmosphere. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verses 18–19: 

‘And do not turn your cheek from people (in pride and contempt), and do not walk on the Earth in self-glory; indeed, Allah (Almighty) does not love those (people who believe in) self-aggrandizement and boasting. And be modest in your attitude and lower your voice (in dealing with people); as indeed, the harshest of all sounds, is the noise of the donkeys.’ 

These verses are part of Luqman’s timeless parenting counsel to his son, which emphasises humility, respect, and the value of peaceful communication. It is also recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, 

‘The most complete of the believers in faith is the one with the best character among them. ‘

Even when expressing criticism, the Prophet ﷺ maintained a soft tone, emphasising the importance of spiritual strength rather than weakness. When we challenge disrespect calmly, model gentleness consistently, and recognise what is wrong, especially for the sake of our child’s development, we are not just parenting. We are keeping adab and fulfilling a trust to Allah Almighty.