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Behaviour
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- Should I comfort my child after a tantrum, or stick to enforcing consequences
- What should I avoid doing that might accidentally make tantrums worse?
- How do I stop tantrums becoming a habit whenever my child wants something?
- Should I use time-outs for tantrums or is there a better way?
- What kind of discipline strategies work for tantrums without shaming the child?
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- How can I help my child learn to manage their emotions before they explode?
- How can I teach calming techniques to a very young child?
- How can I teach my child to take deep breaths or count when upset?
- How do I calm my child down when they are having a full-blown meltdown?
- What are helpful things to say during a tantrum to make my child feel seen?
- How do I encourage my child to ask for help instead of melting down?
- How do I explain to my child that it is okay to feel upset, but not to act out?
- How do I explain to my child what is happening in their body when they get angry?
- What can I do when my child starts screaming or crying the moment I say ‘no’ to something they want?
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- Are rewards helpful in preventing tantrums, or do they just lead to children demanding each time?
- How do I handle tantrums first thing in the morning before school or nursery?
- Can too much screen time make tantrums worse and what is the solution?
- How can I use routine and structure to reduce emotional outbursts?
- How do I deal with tantrums around bedtime or when it is time to stop screen time?
- How do I deal with tantrums in the car or when we are travelling?
- What can I do when my child starts screaming or crying the moment I say ‘no’ to something they want?
- What should I do if my child uses tantrums to delay things they do not want to do, like bedtime or clean-up?
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- Can daily affirmations or calm rituals help children feel more secure?
- How can I create a calm-down corner or space for my child?
- How do I set boundaries during a tantrum without escalating the situation?
- Is it better to hold or leave my child during a tantrum?
- How can I reset the mood after a difficult tantrum?
- How do I stop my child from hitting or kicking during a tantrum?
- Should I ignore my child during a tantrum or try to talk to them?
- What kind of tone and body language helps when I’m de-escalating a tantrum?
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Should I comfort my child after a tantrum, or stick to enforcing consequences
Parenting Perspective
Following a tantrum, many parents find themselves uncertain about whether to provide comfort or to uphold a strict approach regarding rules and consequences. These responses can coexist and are not necessarily in opposition to each other. Young children, especially those under 11 years old, are in the process of learning how to handle strong emotions. A tantrum can be disruptive, but it is not just a sign of defiance; it often indicates a need for support and security. Comforting a child does not mean eliminating all rules; instead, it shows that while the behaviour is not acceptable, the child is still loved and emotionally secure. Once a sense of calm is achieved, gently reinforcing boundaries helps children understand that rules still apply, but they are not being punished for their feelings of distress.
This balanced approach helps children understand that feelings are natural and valid, while actions can lead to consequences. This supports the improvement of emotional control. It is crucial to recognise that disciplining a child during or right after an outburst can often make the situation worse. Instead, once the child is calm, offer space for reflection and guide them towards making better choices in future. This approach helps the child emotionally and encourages the development of important values like responsibility and self-control over time.
Spiritual Insight
Islamic parenting requires a careful balance of kindness and discipline. Children are an Amanah (trust) from Allah Almighty, and their development should be nurtured with patience, love, and guidance. When dealing with tantrums, comforting a child does not equate to allowing bad behaviour; rather, it involves reflecting the kindness that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ demonstrated, even in the face of others’ emotions or anger.
Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Taaha (20), Verses 44: ‘But speak to him in a polite manner, so that he may realise, or be in awe (of what you are relating to him).’ This verse, while directed at Pharaoh, emphasises that gentleness is recommended even when confronting serious misconduct. In the context of parenting, it prompts us to opt for calmness and compassion during emotionally charged moments.
It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1921 that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated:
‘He is not one of us who does not have mercy upon our young, respect our elders, and command good and forbid evil.’ This Hadith highlights that mercy should not be confused with indulgence; it is a fundamental principle in Islamic parenting. Once the child has calmed down after a tantrum, the parent can sit down with them to talk about what happened. It is important to go over the rules again in a respectful and understanding way. These moments help children understand responsibility and feel like they are part of a community. Providing comfort, along with clearly explained consequences, reflects a teaching approach that balances kindness with firmness, fostering both emotional understanding and good habits.