Should I comfort my child after a tantrum, or stick to enforcing consequences
Parenting Perspective
Following a tantrum, many parents find themselves uncertain about whether to provide comfort or to uphold a strict approach regarding rules and consequences. These responses can coexist and are not necessarily in opposition to each other. Young children, especially those under 11 years old, are in the process of learning how to handle strong emotions. A tantrum can be disruptive, but it is not just a sign of defiance; it often indicates a need for support and security. Comforting a child does not mean eliminating all rules; instead, it shows that while the behaviour is not acceptable, the child is still loved and emotionally secure. Once a sense of calm is achieved, gently reinforcing boundaries helps children understand that rules still apply, but they are not being punished for their feelings of distress.
This balanced approach helps children understand that feelings are natural and valid, while actions can lead to consequences. This supports the improvement of emotional control. It is crucial to recognise that disciplining a child during or right after an outburst can often make the situation worse. Instead, once the child is calm, offer space for reflection and guide them towards making better choices in future. This approach helps the child emotionally and encourages the development of important values like responsibility and self-control over time.
Spiritual Insight
Islamic parenting requires a careful balance of kindness and discipline. Children are an Amanah (trust) from Allah Almighty, and their development should be nurtured with patience, love, and guidance. When dealing with tantrums, comforting a child does not equate to allowing bad behaviour; rather, it involves reflecting the kindness that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ demonstrated, even in the face of others’ emotions or anger.
Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Taaha (20), Verses 44: ‘But speak to him in a polite manner, so that he may realise, or be in awe (of what you are relating to him).’ This verse, while directed at Pharaoh, emphasises that gentleness is recommended even when confronting serious misconduct. In the context of parenting, it prompts us to opt for calmness and compassion during emotionally charged moments.
It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1921 that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated:
‘He is not one of us who does not have mercy upon our young, respect our elders, and command good and forbid evil.’ This Hadith highlights that mercy should not be confused with indulgence; it is a fundamental principle in Islamic parenting. Once the child has calmed down after a tantrum, the parent can sit down with them to talk about what happened. It is important to go over the rules again in a respectful and understanding way. These moments help children understand responsibility and feel like they are part of a community. Providing comfort, along with clearly explained consequences, reflects a teaching approach that balances kindness with firmness, fostering both emotional understanding and good habits.
