Our fights are not abusive, but our child still flinches or withdraws afterwards. What does that say about what they are absorbing? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Impact of Emotional Undercurrents 

Even if the disputes are not aggressive, they can be emotionally draining for children. A raised voice, a strong tone, a harsh word, or a lengthy conflict between parents can make a child feel scared, insecure, or helpless. Even when no one is yelling or acting violently, their neurological system responds to conflict with physical and emotional indicators such as flinching, freezing, or shutting down. If your child withdraws visibly after a confrontation, they are not overreacting. They absorb the emotional undercurrent of the household and perceive it as instability. Children thrive in environments where carers are emotionally reliable. When the energy between parents changes abruptly, even if it is not abusive, the child’s sense of security is shattered. This disengagement can have long-term consequences, including difficulty managing emotions, avoiding confrontation, becoming overly cautious in expressing needs, or blaming themselves for adult stress. 

The Importance of Reconnection 

The first step is to acknowledge the influence rather than minimise it. Even if the argument appears little to you, your child’s reaction is genuine and relevant. After every public conflict, take a minute to reconnect. This might be as simple as sitting with them, showing affection, and saying something like, That was a difficult situation. You are not in trouble. We are okay. This restores safety. Over time, the most important aspect of repair is consistency. If your child understands that difficult times are followed by reconnection, calm, and emotional honesty, their inner world will begin to stabilise again, even if conflict occurs on occasion. 

Spiritual Insight 

Our children observe our character long before they understand our aims. The emotional legacy we leave children is shaped not just by what we teach them, but also by what they continually feel in our presence. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verses 9: 

‘And let those people (who are the guardians and executors of orphans) be anxious; as if they had left behind them offspring who were feeble (morally and intellectually), and they were concerned about their (future); so (act in such a manner) that you may attained piety from Allah (Almighty), and speak with (the (poor and the orphans,with) appropriate words of comfort.’ 

This verse encourages parents to envision their child’s anxiety and vulnerability if they are not safeguarded. Emotional exposure during conflict may not cause physical harm, but it can be spiritually and psychologically damaging if unchecked. It is also recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 2928, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock. ‘

As shepherds of our children, we are accountable not just for their bodily requirements but also for their emotional safety, particularly during times of stress. When we respond to our child’s fear with calm, clarity, and reconnection, rather than denial or diversion, we acknowledge their inner world and fulfill Allah Almighty’s faith in us.