Our child shows more tenderness to others than we show to each other. Could that mean they are emotionally compensating? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding Emotional Compensation 

It is likely that your child’s increased tenderness for others is a type of emotional compensation. Children are extremely attentive, absorbing not only what is stated at home but also what is emotionally missing. If individuals grow up in an environment where compassion, gentleness, or verbal kindness between parents is uncommon, they may subconsciously try to restore balance by incorporating similar qualities into their interactions with others. This is not necessarily a bad sign. In fact, it can reflect emotional intelligence – your child knows what is lacking and responds by providing exactly what they desire. 

A Strategy for Rebalancing 

However, if the sensitivity they provide others is not matched by what they experience in their own household, it may lead to internal turmoil. They may come to feel that emotional warmth is something you provide to others but do not expect from yourself, or, worse, that partnerships are designed to be emotionally distant, and it is their responsibility to compensate for that gap. Rather of questioning your child’s actions, think calmly about the emotional tone between you and your spouse. Does your child regularly experience affection, shared joy, gentle discourse, and mutual respect? Or is emotional connection suppressed or buried under routine and formality? Even little changes, such as warm welcomes, evident thankfulness, and kind physical gestures, might assist to create an environment that reassures the child that emotional tenderness is acceptable. This reduces the need for emotional compensation, replacing it with emotional security. When children witness love and gentleness between their parents, they are not simply learning how to give those qualities. They are also learning that they are deserving of them, and that home is a place where emotional safety is guaranteed rather than earned. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, emotional closeness within the family is not considered a luxury. It is an expression of mercy, which is one of the most commended qualities in the holy Quran and prophetic model. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hadeed (57), Verse 27: 

‘…And placed in the hearts of those who were his followers compassion and mercy…’ 

This verse reminds us that sincere faith is frequently accompanied by tangible compassion, not coldness, but palpable tenderness, particularly among a household’s most vulnerable members. It is also recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 5998, that a Bedouin came to the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and said, “You (people) kiss the boys! We do not kiss them.” The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘I cannot put mercy in your heart after Allah has taken it away from it. ‘

This powerful answer emphasises that affection is not discretionary; it is a prophetic trait with spiritual significance. When your child exhibits tenderness, it is a positive indicator. However, when that tenderness matches a gap they feel at home, it serves as a reminder to parents to re-express the love that may have gone silent or concealed. Reassuring your child with your own visible warmth is more than just mending; it is an act of faith.