Our child has started using our parenting differences to push limits or avoid consequences. How can we rebuild a united and consistent approach? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding the Behaviour 

It is not manipulation when a child utilises their differences to circumvent consequences or begins to shop between parents for answers; rather, it is a survival strategy. Children seek clarification. When children do not understand, they test, nudge, and negotiate to find boundaries that feel genuine and safe. This behaviour is more than just aggravating. It indicates that your parenting system may be fragmented enough to allow the child to feel in control. That pressure is unhealthy for them, and stressful for both of you. 

Creating a Private Reset 

To resolve this, you and your spouse require a private reset. Sit down and list your non-negotiables, including bedtime, screen time, etiquette, and consequences. Make a short list of agreed principles – not everything, but the key areas where unity is most important. Write it down. Make sure that both parents feel heard. Then, agree on a basic policy: if our child asks one of us a question, the response will only be valid if both of us agree. This small change immediately prevents children from exploiting communication gaps. 

Presenting a United Front 

When your child tests limits, be calm and steady. Do not use blame or sarcasm. Instead, say: We are both your parents, and we talk about these things together. If we say no, it indicates we both think that is best. The goal is to avoid becoming overly strict. The objective is to establish a consistent approach, as this is the foundation of emotional security for children, regardless of their objections at the time. 

Spiritual Insight 

Children thrive in homes that value both mercy and transparency. Mercy without clarity is indulgence. Clarity without kindness is harshness. Islam tells us to lead our families using both. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Taaha (20), Verse 132: 

“And command your family to prayer and bestowed fast thereupon, We (Allah Almighty) do not ask you for any provisions, it is We Who provide for you; and the best outcome is for those who have attained piety.” 

This verse demonstrates a principle of compassionate persistence: parents are not merely to provide advice once and then withdraw; they must maintain consistency, particularly in matters that influence character. It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1829, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

“Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock. “

This Hadith reminds both parents that leadership is a joint responsibility. Children may challenge, but when parents stand together as a team, they set an example of strength, stability, and trustworthiness, the very soil in which character grows.