My spouse says, ‘I provide, that should be enough’ and avoids domestic involvement. How do I break this pattern without creating disrespect or conflict in front of our child? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Unintended Lesson of a Transactional Marriage 

Your concern is valid, not only for your own well-being, but also for the emotional blueprint your child will inherit. When one parent takes a transactional approach to family life, believing that financial provision alone equals full commitment, children learn that emotional labour, caregiving, and domestic work are optional extras rather than essential responsibilities. This not only strains the more involved parent, but it also distorts your child’s perception of collaboration. 

A Strategy for Shifting the Narrative 

To resolve this without causing tension in front of your child, start by separating the conversations. Recognise your spouse’s financial contribution privately with respect, but gently challenge the notion that provision alone constitutes a home. You might say, “Our child sees everything, not just who earns, but who shows up. What children discover today shapes their own concept of family.” Avoid using sarcasm or showing your irritation in front of your children. Instead, find small moments to model mutual care: “Thank you for helping me with dinner, it makes us feel like a team.” Even if your partner initially resists, your consistency in reframing what ‘providing’ means, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, may gradually reset the tone of the household. Remember that you are not simply defending your own wellbeing. You are changing your child’s definition of love through action. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, Qiwamah (obligation) means more than merely income. It is all about helping, protecting, inspiring, and supporting. The Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ did not distinguish between money provision and domestic participation. He gave with his hands, heart, and presence. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verse 19: 

‘…And cohabit with them with the positivity (of kindness), for if you dislike them, then perhaps it may be that in your (tolerance to the) dislike of something, may cause for you (to receive) something even better from Allah (Almighty).’ 

Kindness in this verse alludes to Mu’āsharah bil ma’rūf, which is living together with responsibility, respect, and emotional generosity. It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4682, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most perfect believer in respect of faith is he who is best of them in manners. ‘

He demonstrated this not only through discourse, but also through quiet acts of service like sweeping, sewing, and supporting. His grandeur was not in commanding, but in sharing. 

So when your spouse says, “I provide,” remember: Islam does not limit contribution to currency. It also elevates character in terms of provision. And your child’s perspective of love, fairness, and mutual respect is influenced by what they see, not just what they hear. You may respect your spouse’s role while gently encouraging them to donate from the heart rather than the money.