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My parents or in-laws constantly reverse my discipline. How do I handle that without disrespecting them? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Challenge of Undermined Authority 

When elders in the family override your parenting, such as by providing what you have just denied or laughing off misbehaviour you are correcting, it undermines your authority in the eyes of your child. However, in a culturally respectable home, bluntly questioning parents or in-laws might be quite uncomfortable. The idea is to preserve both the integrity of your parenting and the dignity of your elders. 

A Strategy for Respectful Conversation 

Initiate a private, genuine conversation when all parties are at ease, rather than immediately following or during the incident. Approach with warmth: We much appreciate your cooperation and support. We are only attempting to be consistent in one aspect of our child’s development; might we ask for your assistance in that? This tone encourages cooperation rather than hostility. Explain that discipline is not about being severe, but about remaining consistent. Explain that changing rules on the fly, especially in front of the child, diminishes your child’s grasp of limits. For example, if screen time is limited but later granted as a treat by a grandmother, the child may develop the belief that rules are optional rather than principles. 

Handling It in the Moment 

If your elders continue to override your attempts, remain composed in front of your child. Calmly refocus the child: I know Dada said yes, but the rule still applies, and we are sticking to it today. You can discuss the topic with the older later, but do not dispute in front of your child, as this undermines your role. Also, search for opportunities to include grandparents positively. Allow children to lead bedtime stories, share family Duas, or play games within the boundaries you have established. This adds value to your child’s life while gradually teaching them to respect your boundaries. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam preaches Ihsan, or excellence, in both parenting and how we treat our elders. Finding that balance necessitates emotional intelligence, humility, and wisdom. Upholding discipline while preserving respect is not a contradiction; rather, it is a beautiful struggle. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Isra (17), Verse 23: 

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], ‘uff’, and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. 

This verse underscores the tremendous respect owed to parents and elders, especially in times of conflict, through polite, kind words. It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4943, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones and honour to our elders. 

This Hadith emphasises the value of respect in all interactions, both upward (to elders) and below (to children). By being firm in your parenting but remaining courteous to your elders, you teach your child the importance of leadership and humility. In addition to discipline, they observe a household that adheres to Adab, the Islamic code of respect, which is a lesson that transcends any single rule. 

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