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My child makes excuses instead of apologising. How do I teach them accountability without crushing their spirit? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding the Behaviour 

A child’s decision to refrain from apologising and instead offer justifications, such as He initiated the situation, I did not intend to, or It was not that severe, is frequently indicative of distress rather than defiance. Many teenagers think that confessing their mistakes will make them look awful, so they deflect to protect their self-esteem. Your goal is to change the focus from blame to progress, allowing your child to accept responsibility without feeling attacked. 

A Strategy for Teaching Accountability 

Instead of forcing an apology, take a moment to reflect on what happened. Even if you did not mean it, someone was hurt. What can we do to put things right? This teaches your child that impact is more important than intention, and accountability is about mending, not shame. Gently question the excuse, not the child’s character. For instance, saying it was not your fault does not assist resolve the issue. Even when the going gets tough, strong people take responsibility for their actions. This enriches, not weakens, their individuality. Avoid using snarky or guilt-based comments such as You never take responsibility or You always have an excuse. These can elicit defensiveness or even resentment. Instead, coach them: It is difficult to apologise, but taking responsibility builds trust. Let us try again. Teach them how to apologise effectively by explaining, expressing empathy, and offering a solution. Role-play various situations to develop emotional fluency in safe settings. Example: I should not have taken your toy. That upset you. Next time, I will ask first. Praise honest accountability whenever it is demonstrated, even in little ways: That was difficult to admit, and I am proud of you for doing so. Children emulate behaviours that are conducive to their dignity, rather than those that demean them. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam says that true strength comes from humility and sincere correction. Accountability is not a weakness; it is the path to self-purification and honour in the eyes of Allah Almighty. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Araf (7), Verse 23: 

They said, ‘Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves, and if You do not forgive us and have mercy upon us, we will surely be among the losers.” 

This was Prophet Adam’s (peace be upon him) dua – an example of real, humble repentance. There is no excuse or blame—only truth and reliance on kindness. It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4251, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent. 

This Hadith serves as a reminder that admitting our faults does not diminish us; rather, it improves us. You may help your child develop long-term integrity by fostering an environment in which ownership leads to trust rather than humiliation. Accountability, when handled with kindness, becomes a strength that people carry with them into all relationships, including their relationship with Allah Almighty. 

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