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My child knows which parent to ask for what. How do we stop being played against each other in discipline decisions? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding “Parent Shopping” 

When a child discovers that one parent is more inclined to grant permission or be more accommodating, they will inevitably begin to experiment with boundaries by selecting the parent with whom to enquire based on their preferences. This is not manipulation; it is sophisticated pattern detection. However, if not handled, it causes conflict between parents and confusion for the child, who begins to view regulations as flexible depending on who is there. 

Creating a United and Consistent Approach 

The solution starts with integrating your response system. Establish a shared guideline for both parents: We do not respond unless we have checked in with each other. This alone reduces a child’s ability to compete against the other. If a child asks, Can I go out/play/watch TV? either parent should respond consistently with, Let me check with Mum/Dad first, and we will decide together. Schedule private, regular check-ins to discuss your parenting values and non-negotiables. What do you both agree on? Where do you differ? Clarify these issues before bringing them up in front of your child. Unity in these decisions keeps disagreements from escalating in front of your child, which undermines your joint authority. If a mistake is made, such as one parent saying yes while the other says no, do not dispute in the moment. Instead, kindly acknowledge: There was a misunderstanding. We will talk and get back to you. Then, in private, settle the issue and propose a unified solution. Even if it means rescinding a permission, explain to your child politely: We talked and concluded that is not the proper time for that. We know it is disappointing, but the rule applies to both of us. Consistency and teamwork help the child understand that boundaries are based on shared principles rather than personal loopholes. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the family is a unit based on mutual understanding (Tafahum) and shared responsibilities. Parents are co-guardians of their children, and their shared decision-making reflects the structure and harmony that Islam promotes in the family. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 233: 

No mother shall be harmed through her child, and no father through his child. And upon the [father’s] heir is a duty like that [of the father].” 

This verse emphasises shared accountability and justice in family roles. It encourages parents to act together and avoid making harmful decisions, such as the emotional uncertainty caused by inconsistent discipline. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 5188, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

Everyone of you is a guardian and everyone of you is responsible (for his wards). 

Both mothers and fathers are equally responsible for nurturing, guiding, and setting boundaries for their children. When you and your partner agree on your decisions, even if one of you has to adjust, you demonstrate to your child that parenting is a shared trust. Discipline is no longer a power game, but a collaborative act of leadership inspired by love, wisdom, and faith. 

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