Parenting Perspective 

It is a very common reaction for a child to deflect blame by insisting, ‘They started it!’ While this may well be true, focusing solely on who initiated the conflict prevents children from learning accountability and how to repair relationships. The key is to teach your child that even if someone else provoked them, they remain responsible for their own reaction. 

Shifting Focus From Blame to Responsibility 

It is important to guide your child by explaining, ‘Perhaps the other person did start it, but we are always responsible for what we choose to do next.’ This helps them understand that accountability is about their own actions, not about controlling the actions of others. 

Encouraging Empathy on Both Sides 

Acknowledge your child’s feelings without excusing their behaviour. You could say, ‘I know you were upset when your brother teased you, but when you shouted back, that also hurt his feelings.’ This approach shows that two wrongs do not cancel each other out and encourages empathy for everyone involved. 

Teaching Repair Over Being Right 

Explain that an apology does not always mean accepting full blame for the entire incident. It can mean taking ownership of one’s own part. Guide them to say something like, ‘I am sorry for shouting, even though I was feeling upset.’ This helps children learn that the goal of repair is to restore peace, not to ‘win’ the argument. 

Modelling Personal Accountability 

When conflicts arise in the home, it is vital to model this same behaviour. For example, you might say, ‘I reacted too quickly because I was frustrated. I am sorry for that.’ Children learn the value of humility best when they see their parents separating their feelings from their responses. 

By focusing on responsibility rather than blame, you teach your child that peace and reconciliation are far more valuable than proving who was right or wrong. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us to maintain control over our reactions, even when we are provoked. While others may cause us harm, every believer is ultimately accountable for their own response. This principle is crucial for nurturing self-control, justice, and humility in our children. 

Quranic Guidance on Responding with Goodness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Fussilat (41), Verse 34: 

‘And the good actions cannot be equivalent to the mistaken action; (therefore) repel (your mistaken action) with that which is a good action; so, when (you discover) that there is enmity between you and them, (your patience and resilience shall transform them) as if he was a devoted friend.’ 

This verse reminds us that responding to harm with goodness holds the transformative power to turn hostility into friendship. 

Prophetic Wisdom on Responsibility in Conflict 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2507, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The believer who mixes with people and is patient with their harm is better than the believer who does not mix with people and is not patient with their harm.’ 

This hadith teaches us that interacting with others will inevitably bring tests, but true strength lies in exercising patience and responding responsibly, not in shifting blame. 

By grounding your child in these teachings, you show them that true maturity is not about proving who started a conflict, but about conducting themselves with dignity regardless. They learn that real strength and respect are earned by responding with patience, humility, and kindness values that protect relationships and bring honour to their faith.