I tend to raise my voice when I am not being heard, and now our child is doing the same. How do I change the pattern without feeling silenced? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding the Habit 

The act of raising one’s voice in order to be heard is often a survival response, one that is not based on aggression but rather on frustration or the apprehension of dismissal. However, when children see this dynamic repeated, they learn that volume is equal to power and that being loud is the only way to get attention. This tendency might easily become generational. 

A Strategy for Change 

The aim now is to change the emotional script: to teach your child that their voice matters, even when addressed gently, and to think the same for your own. This is not the same as suppressing oneself. It entails finding firmer, more peaceful ways to express your emotions without raising your voice. Begin by naming the habit without shame: “I realise I have been raising my voice when I feel ignored. That is not how I want us to communicate.” This demonstrates both accountability and self-respect. Then, make a conscious effort to pause before speaking, possibly by sitting down or softening your body position as a cue to de-escalate. When your child raises their voice, acknowledge the emotion behind it before responding to the behaviour: “You are upset and want to be heard. Let us practise saying it clearly rather than loudly.” You are not waiving your right to be heard. You are changing the family language to emphasise dignity over authority. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, our tone reflects not only our mood, but also our inner state. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was noted for his serenity, tenderness, and ability to command hearts without ever raising his voice in hatred. His control over tone was not a sign of weakness, but of power through grace. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verse 19: 

‘And be modest in your attitude and lower your voice (in dealing with people); as indeed, the harshest of all sounds, is the noise of the donkeys.’ 

This verse reminds us that dignity in speaking does not imply quiet. It is about maintaining a calm and measured presence. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6116, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not become angry. ‘

He reiterated this three times, not because anger is haram, but because unbridled expression frequently causes harm. When you move from volume to steady presence, your child sees a different sort of strength, one that listens, speaks with conviction, and still chooses peace.