I sometimes defend my parenting choices too strongly in front of the kids because I feel judged. Could they be picking up on my defensiveness? 

Parenting Perspective 

Yes, children are exceptionally attuned to emotional undercurrents. If you find yourself strongly defending your parenting choices in front of them, they are almost certainly picking up on your defensiveness. While your instinct may be to protect your authority, what your child perceives is not strength, but tension. They may begin to associate the act of parenting itself with conflict or insecurity, which can quietly diminish their sense of safety. Over time, this can also lead to a situation where the child learns to react to whichever parent seems more ‘in control’ or emotionally fragile. This is not about blame, but about recognising that defensiveness, even when justified, shifts the focus from providing clarity to protecting oneself. Children always respond more to the emotional tone than to the words being spoken. 

Replacing defensiveness with quiet confidence 

The solution is not to suppress your perspective, but to relocate the conversation. When you feel judged by your spouse, pause your defence in front of the children. A simple phrase like, “We can talk about this later,” protects your dignity and redirects the moment. Later, in private, you can express your feelings calmly and clearly: “It is important to me that we trust each other’s judgement when setting boundaries.” When your child consistently sees you respond with composure and conviction rather than with frustration, they will associate your guidance with stability, not with family tension. This emotional shift is far more powerful than any self-defence. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings remind us that sincerity (ikhlas) and humility (tawadu’) are intertwined. When a parent feels the need to defend themselves publicly, it often comes from a place of deep care. However, Islam encourages us to trust that Allah Almighty sees our intentions, even when others may not. Defensiveness in front of children, while understandable, can shift the focus from shared wisdom to a need for personal validation. The spiritual ideal is one of quiet resolve over visible insistence. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 63: 

‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “Peace be unto you”. ‘

This verse reminds us that true dignity often lies in stillness and a peaceful response, not in self-justification, especially when emotions are running high. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2588, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Charity does not decrease wealth, no one forgives another but that Allah increases his honour, and no one humbles himself for the sake of Allah but that Allah raises him in status. ‘

This teaching applies profoundly to parenting: choosing humility over defensiveness is not a weakness; it is the path to deeper respect and spiritual elevation. By stepping back from the need for visible self-defence and choosing a path of quiet strength instead, you teach your child something far more enduring than any spoken rule. You show them that true leadership in the home is built on calm trust, emotional restraint, and an unwavering sincerity of intention, even when it is not immediately understood by everyone.