I become silent when I am upset instead of yelling. What are the advantages and disadvantages to my child of this way of parenting? 

Parenting Perspective

Many parents retreat into silence when angry as a way to avoid shouting or saying something hurtful. On the surface, this appears to be a wise and controlled response, and in some ways, it is. Silence can de-escalate a tense situation, protect a child from verbal harm, and give the parent crucial time to calm down. However, this approach can have negative consequences if it becomes a form of avoidance rather than a tool for conscious self-regulation.

The Advantage: Preventing Escalation

Choosing silence to regain composure has clear benefits. A parent who can pause and breathe instead of reacting angrily is modelling emotional discipline, which is a vital skill for children to witness. This controlled approach can help a child feel safer and more secure than one who is regularly exposed to explosive outbursts.

The Disadvantage: The Risk of Emotional Distance

The drawback emerges when a parent’s silence becomes cold and prolonged. If your child experiences long periods of emotional withdrawal, a lack of eye contact, or a breakdown in communication, they may interpret your silence as rejection, punishment, or emotional neglect. A child often cannot distinguish between a parent’s patient silence and their silent anger.

Using Silence Constructively

The key is not merely to be silent, but to remain clear and emotionally present. If you need space, it is important to communicate that directly: ‘I am feeling very upset right now, so I need a few minutes to calm down before we can talk about this’. This verbal boundary teaches your child that it is healthy to pause a difficult conversation, but not to disconnect from the relationship.

Furthermore, you must return to the issue once you are calm. Unaddressed misbehaviour and unresolved feelings create confusion and anxiety for a child. Your silence should be a bridge to a resolution, not a replacement for it. Used correctly, it is a sign of strength, but only when it is active, intentional, and followed by connection.

Spiritual Insight

Islam places great value on both meaningful speech and purposeful silence. A believer is encouraged to either speak what is good or to remain silent, but never to use that silence as a weapon or a tool for emotional punishment.

The Goal of Reconciliation

While this verse addresses relationships in a broader context, its principle is central to the family unit: the ultimate goal should always be reconciliation and mercy. Silent estrangement, no matter how brief, can harm a relationship if it is not resolved through communication and understanding.

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujurat (49), Verse 10:

‘The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allah that you may receive mercy.‘

Speaking Good or Remaining Silent

This prophetic guidance praises silence when it is used as a shield to protect others from harmful words. It does not, however, endorse silence as a substitute for necessary guidance, correction, or connection.

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6136, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak good or remain silent.‘

As a parent, using a moment of silence to manage your anger and formulate a better response is an act of wisdom. However, when that silence becomes a wall between you and your child, it ceases to be productive. The discipline is to use words that benefit and to withhold words that harm, and knowing when to do each is an act of prophetic parenting.