I am always the one calming down fights, even when I am not at fault. What does this teach our child about emotional responsibility and gender roles? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Unintended Lesson of One-Sided Peacemaking 

When a child observes a single parent, frequently the mother, consistently smooth over conflict, apologise first, or internalise tension, even when they are not at fault, it teaches a distorted lesson: that emotional regulation is the responsibility of a single person. Over time, this quietly promotes harmful gender roles in which one partner is expected to keep peace, even at the expense of justice, while the other is not held equally responsible for emotional development. For daughters, this may result in people-pleasing behaviours; for sons, it may develop entitlement in relationships. Regardless, the lesson learnt is that harmony is dependent on one person’s sacrifice rather than shared effort. 

A Strategy for Shared Responsibility 

Start by consciously narrating your choices. You may tell your child the following: “I chose to speak calmly because it helps us move forward, but it is important that both of us take responsibility too.” In private, have honest conversations with your partner about the weight you are carrying: not to assign blame, but to increase awareness. Conflict resolution should never be considered a gendered duty. Modelling shared accountability, in which both parents apologise, listen, and regulate, teaches children that emotional labour belongs to everyone. It is not a matter of refusing to remain calm. It is about ensuring that stillness is not mistaken for silent burden. 

Spiritual Insight 

Emotional obligation was never assigned to one person in the prophetic household. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ shown humility, apologised when necessary, and handled disagreement with tolerance and justice. He did not throw the burden of reconciliation on others. Rather, he upheld the dignity of people around him by demonstrating shared accountability through words, tone, and action. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 40: 

‘And the outcome (of defending) against an evil, (could be the formation) of an evil similar to it; so therefore whoever offers amnesty and reconciliation, then his reward shall be with Allah (Almighty)…’ 

This verse celebrates reconciliation, but only when it is freely chosen rather than imposed due to guilt or imbalance. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6114, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

The strong person is not the one who throws others down, but the one who controls himself in anger. 

This strength is not meant to rest on one parent alone. When both couples demonstrate prophetic strength, their children learn that peace is a shared moral duty, not a gendered expectation.