How to Teach Kids to Value You, Not Just What You Do 

Parenting Perspective 

Guide Them Towards Empathy 

It is common for parents to feel reduced to roles of service, especially when children are young and naturally focused on their own needs. However, part of your role is to gradually guide them towards empathy and awareness of others. Teaching them to value you does not come through guilt or demands for gratitude, but through modelling healthy emotional honesty and setting respectful expectations. 

Let Them See Your Inner World 

You can begin by letting them see small parts of your inner world. For example, saying, ‘I feel happy when we spend time together,’ or ‘I feel tired after cooking, so I need to sit down,’ allows them to see you as a person with feelings. These gentle statements teach empathy without placing a heavy burden on them. 

Create Opportunities for Reciprocity 

It also helps to create opportunities for reciprocity. Invite them into acts of care, such as helping with chores, making you a cup of tea, or offering a hug. When they do, acknowledge it warmly: ‘That made me feel cared for.’ This links their actions to your feelings in a positive way, showing them that their care matters without making them feel guilty. 

Create a Culture of Mutual Care 

Over time, children learn to value you not because you demand recognition, but because they experience family life as a circle of care where everyone’s feelings are noticed. By consistently voicing your needs calmly and appreciating their efforts, you create a culture where they see you as both a parent and a person. 

Spiritual Insight 

Nurture Respect Through Love, Not Fear 

Islam places great emphasis on gratitude within the family, reminding children to honour and value their parents. But equally, it teaches parents to nurture their children with mercy, so that lessons of respect are learned through love, not fear. 

Guide Them to Fulfil Their Duty of Gratitude 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verse 14: 

‘And We (Allah Almighty) have decreed upon mankind in regard to his parents; his mother carried him (in pregnancy exposing her to) weakness upon weakness; and his dependent nourishment (from her) for two years; (thus O mankind) be grateful to Me (Allah Almighty) and to your parents, and to Me is (your ultimate) destination.’ 

This Verse highlights that children are commanded to show gratitude to their parents, especially their mothers. However, gratitude is nurtured by awareness. When you allow your children to see your efforts and your feelings, you are guiding them to fulfil this Quranic duty with understanding rather than guilt. 

Mercy and Honour Must Flow Both Ways 

It is recorded in Jami al-Tirmidhi, Book 26, Hadith 27, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not of us who does not show mercy to our young ones, nor honour the elders.’  

This Hadith shows that mutual respect and compassion are essential in family life. Teaching your children to value you is part of instilling this balance, where mercy and honour flow both ways. 

By calmly sharing your feelings, inviting small acts of care, and framing your needs in a way that builds connection, you help your children see you as more than a provider. You are showing them that valuing parents is not about guilt but about love, respect, and the mercy that Islam calls us to embody.