How to Stop Resenting Being the ‘Default Parent’ 

Parenting Perspective 

What you are describing is the experience of carrying the bulk of the emotional and practical labour of parenting, often unseen and unacknowledged. It is natural that resentment can be built when one parent feels overloaded while the other seems to have more freedom in choosing their level of involvement. The difficulty is that your children sense your emotional state very quickly, and if that frustration spills onto them, they may misinterpret it as rejection or blame. 

The first step is to name what you are experiencing, not only to yourself but to your spouse in calm moments. A parent can explain, ‘I feel overwhelmed when everything defaults to me first. I need us to share the weight more fairly.’ This shifts the responsibility from silent resentment into a conversation about teamwork. A useful approach is to agree in advance which kinds of situations your husband will take the lead in, whether it is bedtime, school communication, or handling certain behavioural meltdowns. When both parents know their roles, you avoid the feeling of being ‘on call’ for everything. 

Protect Your Children from Your Frustration 

At the same time, you can practise small strategies to protect your children from feeling the edge of your frustration. Taking a short pause before responding to a meltdown, breathing, or even briefly stepping into another room can make a difference. Children need to feel that their parents’ boundaries are firm but not fuelled by irritation. You are not aiming for perfection, but for moments of repair and balance, showing your children that even when you are stretched, your love for them is steady. 

By gradually inviting your husband to share more responsibility and giving yourself permission to step back in certain moments, you begin to relieve that sense of being the ‘default’ while preserving your children’s emotional safety. 

Spiritual Insight 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Anfaal (8), verse 46: 

‘And obey Allah (Almighty) and His Prophet (Muhammad ﷺ), and do not dispute (with each other) as it may weaken (your ranks), and would reduce your strength, and show resilience; indeed, Allah (Almighty) it is with those people who are resilient.’ 

This Verse reminds us that unity and patience are not only spiritual virtues but also practical strengths within the family. When parents dispute or work against one another, it is the children who feel the instability most. Choosing collaboration over resentment keeps the household stronger and calmer. 

The Prophetic Model: Both Parents are Shepherds 

It is recorded in Mishkat al-Masabih that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.’ 

[Mishkat al-Masabih, 18:25] 

This Hadith makes clear that parenting is not meant to rest on one person’s shoulders alone. Both mother and father are accountable before Allah Almighty for the wellbeing of their children. Sharing the emotional and practical care of the household is not only fair but also a fulfilment of trust. 

By remembering that your role is not to carry everything, but to model patience, fairness, and reliance upon Allah Almighty, you can begin to let go of resentment. Instead of absorbing the entire weight, you can seek balance, invite your husband into his responsibility, and create a more even space for your children to thrive.