How to Stop One Child from Always Being the ‘Apologiser’ 

Parenting Perspective 

In some families, a dynamic can emerge where one child becomes the ‘default apologiser,’ whether due to a softer temperament, a fear of conflict, or subtle parental pressure. While this may seem to restore peace quickly, it can build resentment in one child and a sense of entitlement in the other. The goal is to create fairness, where responsibility is shared and every apology is meaningful. 

Notice the Pattern and Pause the Interaction 

If you begin to see the same child saying sorry after every disagreement, it is important to pause before allowing the pattern to continue. You can intervene by saying, “Let us all take a moment and talk about what happened before anyone apologises.” This prevents automatic, one-sided blame and opens the door for a more balanced discussion. 

Encourage Accountability from Both Sides 

Guide each child to reflect on their own role in the conflict. You could ask them individually, “What do you think you could have done differently in that situation?” This helps them to see that disagreements often involve a degree of responsibility on both sides, even if one person’s mistake seems bigger or more obvious. 

Empower the Child Who Apologises Frequently 

Remind the child who is quick to say sorry that their feelings and perspective are equally important. You might say to them privately, “You do not have to apologise for everything. It is important that your brother also learns how to make things right when he is wrong.” This validates their worth and helps to prevent an unhealthy imbalance from taking root. 

Teach Balance Through Restorative Actions 

Encourage the idea that making amends is a shared responsibility. This could involve both siblings participating in the repair, whether through kind words, returning a toy, or helping one another tidy up a mess that was made during their conflict. Over time, this creates a family culture of fairness rather than one-sided responsibility. 

By guiding both children to take ownership of their part in a conflict, you teach them that an apology is not about pleasing others but about upholding the values of justice, humility, and love. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places a great deal of emphasis on fairness and justice in all relationships, including those between siblings. Just as parents are commanded by Allah to be just with their children, children must also learn that the virtues of humility and responsibility should be shared, not carried by one person alone. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verses 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty…’ 

This verse reminds us that justice is a central command in our faith. Unfairly placing the burden of apology on just one child contradicts this fundamental principle. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ also made the duty of parents to be fair explicitly clear. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1623, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

This teaches us that fairness is a sacred duty for parents. By extension, children must also be taught how to practise fairness with one another. By ensuring that both siblings share the responsibility of apologising when they are wrong, you are instilling the Islamic principles of justice and humility in your home. Your children learn that an apology is not a burden to be carried only by the ‘gentle’ child, but a noble responsibility for anyone who has caused hurt. This is a lesson that strengthens both family harmony and faith.