How to Stop Being the Referee in Your Kids’ Fights 

Parenting Perspective 

Be a Guide, Not a Referee 

When siblings argue over toys or turns, it can feel exhausting to always step in. At the same time, leaving them to resolve it completely on their own can lead to one child dominating while the other feels unheard. The key is to act as a guide rather than a referee. 

Intervene Early to Create Space 

One helpful approach is to intervene early, not to decide who is right or wrong, but to create space for them to express themselves. For example, you might say, ‘I hear you both want the toy. Let us find a way to share it.’ This shifts the focus away from blame and towards problem-solving. Over time, children will learn to copy this approach with each other. 

Set Clear Family Rules 

It is also useful to set clear family rules about sharing and turn-taking outside of conflict moments. This way, when an argument begins, you can remind them of the agreed routine rather than creating a new rule in the heat of the moment. For instance, ‘Remember, we agreed that each person has five minutes, then it is the other’s turn.’ Consistency in these boundaries builds fairness and predictability. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings 

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge feelings. Often, arguments are not only about the toy but about recognition. Saying, ‘I know it is hard to wait when you really want something,’ shows empathy and helps the child calm down. When children feel understood, they are more open to compromise. 

Let Them Practise 

Gradually, step back and let them practise these skills. You can say, ‘I will give you two minutes to agree on a solution. If you cannot, I will help.’ This builds independence while still reassuring them that guidance is available. Over time, they will internalise respectful negotiation as a habit. 

Spiritual Insight 

Nurture Reconciliation and Unity 

Islam encourages believers to resolve disagreements with fairness and mercy. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-Hujuraat (49), Verse 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy.’  

This Verse highlights the importance of nurturing reconciliation and reminds us that resolving disputes is an act that draws Allah’s mercy. As a parent, guiding your children towards fairness in their small arguments is part of teaching them this greater value of unity. 

Cooperation Is a Form of Being Beneficial 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2699, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever relieves a believer of a hardship from the hardships of this world, Allah will relieve him of a hardship from the hardships of the Day of Judgement. Whoever makes it easy for one in difficulty, Allah will make it easy for him in this world and in the Hereafter. Whoever conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah will conceal his faults in this world and the Hereafter. And Allah is helping the servant as long as the servant is helping his brother.’  

Helping your children learn to cooperate and consider each other’s needs is a form of being beneficial, starting within the family. When they practise fairness and mercy at home, they are preparing to extend these qualities to the wider community. 

By gently coaching them rather than always refereeing, you teach your children how to balance fairness with kindness. They begin to see that cooperation is not about winning, but about building love and respect, lessons that will serve them both in family life and in their journey as Muslims.