How to Stop Being the Judge in Your Kids’ Fights 

Parenting Perspective 

They Are Seeking Reassurance, Not Just a Judgement 

It is very common for children to involve parents in their disputes because they are still learning how to handle conflict. What they are often seeking is not only a judgement but also reassurance that you are still attentive to their needs. If you always take sides, however, one child can feel rejected while the other may feel falsely justified. This pattern can deepen resentment between siblings. 

Move From Being the ‘Judge’ to the ‘Coach’ 

A useful step is to move from being the ‘judge’ to being the ‘coach.’ Instead of declaring who is right, you can say, ‘I can see you are both upset. I want you to try to work this out together. What would be a fair solution?’ This communicates that you care about their feelings but believe in their ability to handle disagreements. 

Teach Them How to Express Themselves 

You can also teach simple phrases to help them express themselves, such as, ‘I felt upset when you…’ rather than shouting or blaming. Guiding them to use respectful language allows them to practise resolving problems in healthier ways. After emotions cool down, you might gather them both and reflect together: ‘What worked this time? What could we try differently next time?’ This builds skills over time and lessens their dependence on you to referee every conflict. 

Ensure Each Child Feels Seen Outside of Conflict 

Privately, make sure each child feels seen outside of conflict. When they feel secure in your attention and love, they are less likely to see disagreements as competitions for your approval. Your calm presence will gradually teach them that not every problem requires you to declare a winner, but that your role is to help them grow in fairness and respect. 

Spiritual Insight 

Reconciliation Is More Beloved to Allah Than Taking Sides 

Conflicts are part of human life, but Islam teaches us that how we resolve them reflects our faith and character. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy.’  

This verse reminds us that reconciliation is more beloved to Allah than taking sides in disputes. As a parent, your task is not to declare one child innocent and the other guilty, but to nurture in them the value of settling conflicts with fairness and mercy. 

Reconciling Between People Is an Excellent Deed 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawud, Book 43, Hadith 147, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘” Shall I not inform you of something more excellent in degree than fasting, prayer, and charity?” They said, “Yes, O Messenger of Allah.” He ﷺ said: “It is reconciling between people. For indeed, corruption between people is the shaver.”’  

By encouraging your children to repair their own disagreements, you are teaching them a quality the Prophet ﷺ himself elevated. You show them that family unity and fairness are acts of worship, not simply house rules. Over time, this approach reassures your children that your care is not absent, but present in a way that guides them towards maturity, self-control, and the Islamic value of reconciliation.