How to Stay Aligned When You Express Values Differently 

Parenting Perspective 

Different Styles Can Be a Strength 

It is very natural for parents to express values differently. Some lean towards verbal explanations, guiding with conversations and reminders, while others prefer to show those same values through consistent actions. Rather than creating confusion, this difference can be a strength if you make it clear to your children that both styles carry the same message. 

Bridge the Gap Between Your Styles 

The key is to ensure your children see that you and your spouse are not contradicting each other. For example, if one parent speaks about kindness and the other demonstrates it quietly through service, children should be helped to see that both are teaching the same value in different ways. You can bridge the gap by occasionally highlighting your spouse’s silent contribution with a gentle comment, such as, ‘See how Baba shows care by doing this,’ or ‘Notice how Mama’s words remind us to be gentle.’ This connects the verbal with the practical, reinforcing that both are valid expressions of the same value. 

Affirm That Your Approaches Are Complementary 

Privately, it is also important for you and your spouse to affirm to each other that your approaches are complementary. Children are quick to sense when parents view each other critically. Instead of trying to make your spouse adopt your style, accept that balance is beneficial: some children absorb words better, others learn more deeply from actions. By showing mutual respect, you model to your children that unity does not require sameness, but harmony of purpose. 

Spiritual Insight 

Words and Actions Go Together 

Islam teaches us that both words and actions have a role in nurturing faith and character. The noble Quran often pairs the two, calling people to believe, speak truthfully, and act righteously. 

Actions Must Match Words 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah As-Saff (61), Verses 2–3: 

‘O you who are believers, why do you say (to others that) which you do not do (yourself)? It is highly detested by Allah (Almighty) that you say (to others) that which you do not do (yourself).’ 

This verse reminds us that actions must match words. At the same time, it also teaches that words carry weight and responsibility and must be backed with sincerity. Together, they form a complete form of guidance. 

Consistent Action and Guiding Words Work Together 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 6464, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most beloved of deeds to Allah are those that are most consistent, even if they are small.’ 

Here, the emphasis is on steady action, even when simple. Yet the holy Prophet ﷺ also taught through his speech, instructing, explaining, and advising. His example shows us that both consistent action and guiding words work together to shape hearts. 

By presenting your different styles as two sides of the same value, you give your children a richer learning environment. They will see that living Islam involves both speaking truth and acting upon it, and that both approaches, when rooted in shared values, complement one another beautifully.