How to Show Affection When It Doesn’t Come Naturally 

Parenting Perspective 

Affection Is a Choice, Not an Inheritance 

This is a very real concern for many parents who long to give their children more than they themselves received. It can feel as though you are trying to build warmth and connection without a clear model to follow. The good news is that affection is not about perfection or about having grown up with it yourself; it is about choosing, in small consistent ways, to show your child that they matter. 

Start With Manageable Steps 

You can begin with manageable steps rather than forcing what feels unnatural. Warmth does not only come from hugs and kisses, though those are powerful. It can also be expressed through eye contact, gentle words, listening closely, or showing delight when your child enters the room. When you add these small gestures throughout the day, your child receives a steady message of love, even if you are still learning to be physically or verbally affectionate. 

Be Intentional and Create New Patterns 

It also helps to be intentional. Set aside even five or ten minutes a day to focus entirely on your child, without distraction, and let them take the lead in play or conversation. During these moments, remind yourself that you are not repeating the past but creating new patterns. Children remember how we made them feel more than any single action, so your consistent effort to show care will build trust and closeness over time. 

Gently Replace Hesitation With Action 

If you notice yourself holding back, acknowledge the thought but gently replace it with action. For example, if you hesitate before giving a hug, remind yourself that your child will feel security in that simple gesture, and then go ahead. Over time, these practices will become easier, and your child will feel loved in ways you may not have experienced yourself. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam Promotes Affection and Warmth 

Islam, as exemplified by the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, promotes showing affection and love to children. It commands patience and warmth in their upbringing. 

Excellence in Relationships Is a Command 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty...’  

This Verse reminds us that excellence (Ihsan) in relationships is a command, and part of that excellence is extending gentleness and warmth, especially to our children. Even if affection was missing in your own upbringing, you have the opportunity to rise above and give your child what Allah loves to see between family members. 

Mercy and Affection Are Central to Nurturing 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Book 27, Hadith 27, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young and respect to our elders.’  

The holy Prophet ﷺ modelled affection openly, kissing and holding children, and even allowing them to remain on him during prayer. This shows that mercy and affection are not extras, but central to raising children in a way that nurtures both their hearts and their faith. 

By choosing small but consistent acts of warmth, grounded in the Prophetic example, you show your child love in ways that strengthen their emotional safety and spiritual confidence. Your past does not limit you; rather, it gives you the chance to consciously give what you may have longed for, turning your effort into an act of worship that benefits both you and your child.