How to Shift Kids From ‘Keeping Score’ to Caring 

Parenting Perspective 

Shift From ‘Keeping Score’ to a Family Culture 

It is very common for children to measure their contribution against their siblings. When a child feels that they are doing more, or that another is praised more, they may slip into a ‘scorekeeping’ mindset. This can quickly drain the joy from helping and make family life feel transactional. 

Validate Their Feelings, Redirect the Competition 

To shift this pattern, begin by naming and validating their feelings without agreeing to the competition. You might say, ‘I see you feel it is unfair right now, but in this family, we do things to help one another, not to compete.’ This both acknowledges their frustration and redirects them to the bigger picture. 

Make Praise Individual and Specific 

Next, make the act of helping visible and valued in a non-comparative way. Instead of, ‘Look how your brother did more than you,’ focus on, ‘I appreciate how you cleared the table, it made things easier for all of us.’ When praise is given individually and specifically, children learn that effort is noticed without needing to diminish someone else. 

Reframe Chores as Acts of Love 

It also helps to reframe chores and responsibilities as acts of love rather than obligations. You can involve your children in conversations about how family members depend on one another. Encourage them to think about the benefit their effort brings, rather than the number of tasks they complete. For example, ‘When you helped carry the shopping, it saved me time, and that helped the whole family.’ 

Model Generosity Yourself 

Finally, model generosity yourself. When children see parents doing things for each other without tallying, they absorb the idea that real fairness is not strict equality but shared care. Over time, this builds a culture where the goal is togetherness, not competition. 

Spiritual Insight 

True Service Is for Allah’s Sake 

In Islam, serving others is seen as an honour rather than a burden.  

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-Insan (76), Verses 8–9: 

‘And donate food, despite their own desire for nourishment, to the needy and the orphans and those held in captivity. Indeed, (they say in their hearts): “We are only feeding you for the sake of Allah (Almighty); we do not seek from you any reward or any gratitude”’.  

This Verse teaches that true service is done sincerely for Allah’s sake, not for recognition or comparison. It reminds children and adults alike that the real value of giving is found in the intention, not in keeping score. 

Love for Your Brother What You Love for Yourself 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 77, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.’  

Applying this Hadith in the home means encouraging siblings to see each other not as rivals but as companions in faith, where helping and caring become expressions of love and belief. 

By teaching children that fairness is not about counting tasks but about mutual care, you guide them to a mindset rooted in sincerity, compassion, and the values of our faith. Over time, this perspective will help them feel less concerned with comparison and more motivated by the joy of serving each other for Allah’s sake.