How to Separate Your Hurt from Your Role as a Parent 

Parenting Perspective 

Misbehaviour Is Not Personal Rejection 

It is understandable to feel hurt when your child misbehaves, especially when it seems directed at you. However, it is important to remember that misbehaviour is not usually a personal rejection. It is often a child’s way of expressing big emotions, unmet needs, or struggles they cannot yet put into words. 

Remind Yourself: You Are the Adult 

Separating your feelings from your role begins with reminding yourself that you are the adult in the situation. A parent’s role is not to be affirmed by the child, but to guide, teach, and model. When you start feeling personally attacked, pause and take a breath before responding. Remind yourself: “This is about my child’s struggle, not my worth.” This mental shift helps you respond with guidance rather than woundedness. 

Name the Behaviour, Not Their Love for You 

You can also practise naming the behaviour without attaching it to your child’s love for you. For example, saying, “I see you are upset and throwing things. That behaviour is not acceptable, but I am here to help you manage those feelings,” keeps the focus on correction and support, not on rejection. 

Reconnect When Calm Has Returned 

Later, when calm has returned, use the opportunity to connect. Share that you felt hurt but that your love remains unchanged. This not only models emotional honesty but also teaches your child that love and discipline can exist together. 

Respond With Guidance, Not Retaliation 

By separating your emotions from your role, you create the consistency your child needs. Your steadiness reassures them that even when they push boundaries, you will respond with guidance, not retaliation. Over time, this strengthens trust and helps them learn healthier ways of expressing themselves. 

Spiritual Insight 

Your Worth Is Not Defined by Their Behaviour 

Islam teaches that parenting is an entrusted responsibility, not dependent on a child’s approval or behaviour. Our worth as parents is not defined by whether children always respond well, but by whether we fulfil our duty with patience and mercy. 

Respond to Harshness With Peace 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-Furqan (25), Verse 63: 

‘And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth with humility, and when the ignorant address them harshly, they say [words of] peace.’  

This verse reminds us that responding to harshness with calmness and dignity is a quality beloved to Allah. A parent can apply this by not taking a child’s misbehaviour as a personal insult, but as an opportunity to respond with patience. 

Parenting Requires Strength of Self-Control 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Book 78, Hadith 141, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong man is not the one who overcomes people by his strength, but the strong man is the one who controls himself when angry.’  

Parenting requires this strength of self-control, especially when emotions run high. 

By anchoring yourself in patience and humility, you can separate your own hurt from your duty. Your role is to nurture and guide, and when you do so with mercy, you reflect the prophetic model of strength and compassion. This perspective will help you remain steady and loving, even in the face of misbehaviour.