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How to Respond When Your Child Says ‘Dad Lets Me’ 

Parenting Perspective 

They Are Seeking Reassurance 

It is common for children to test boundaries by pointing out differences between parents. When they say, ‘Dad lets me, but you do not,’ they are not only commenting on rules but also seeking reassurance that the family operates with fairness and unity. The challenge for you is to respond without undermining your spouse while still maintaining your authority in the moment. 

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Avoid Making Decisions Reactively 

A helpful step is to avoid making decisions reactively when the child raises such comparisons. Instead of defending yourself or criticising your spouse, you can calmly say something like, ‘Mum and Dad will talk about this and then let you know.’ This shifts the focus away from immediate conflict and shows your child that decisions come from both parents as a team. Afterwards, you and your spouse can discuss privately and agree on a shared approach for that situation, so your child sees consistency when the answer is given. 

Create Clear ‘Baseline Rules’ 

It also helps to create clear ‘baseline rules’ together that apply regardless of which parent is asked. These might cover bedtimes, screen use, or chores. When both parents hold the same line on everyday matters, there is less room for children to play one parent against the other. For issues where you and your spouse might genuinely differ, agree on a system of checking in before answering, so the message remains unified. 

Model Respect for Your Spouse’s Authority 

Over time, children learn that asking one parent against the other will not give them more power. Instead, they see that parental unity provides stability, which in turn makes them feel safer. When you model respect for your spouse’s authority in front of the children, they are more likely to internalise respect for both parents equally. 

Spiritual Insight 

Unity in Leadership Is a Spiritual Responsibility 

Parenting unity is not just a practical matter but also a spiritual responsibility. Islam emphasises justice, respect, and consistency in how authority is carried out within the family. 

Judge Between People With Justice 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An-Nisa (4), Verse 58: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) commands you to execute all trusts to their rightful owners; and when you (are asked to) judge between people, that you should judge with justice; indeed, the enlightened direction to you from Allah (Almighty) is (a beneficial) endowment; indeed, Allah (Almighty) is All Hearing and All Seeing.’  

This Verse reminds us that fairness in decision-making is an Amanah, or trust, and children are quick to notice when authority is applied unevenly. When parents align their approach, they embody justice in the home. 

Both Parents Share Responsibility 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Book 33, Hadith 24, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock.’ 

This hadith teaches that both parents share responsibility for guiding their children. Authority is not meant to be divided in competition but carried together in balance and harmony. 

When you frame your response to your children in this way, you move from defending yourself to modelling fairness, unity, and responsibility. This not only resolves the moment but also plants in them an understanding of how a family works best when both parents stand side by side. 

Click below to discover meaningful books that nurture strong values in your child and support you on your parenting journey

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