How to Repair Your Bond With Your Firstborn 

Parenting Perspective 

A Common Pattern of Parenting 

Many parents find themselves being stricter with their first child. It often comes from wanting to ‘get it right’ and setting firm boundaries, while later children benefit from your greater experience and a calmer approach. This difference can create guilt for you and resentment in your eldest, especially if they feel they have to endure more pressure. 

Add Warmth and Balance Now 

Repairing this relationship does not mean undoing all the lessons you taught but rather adding warmth and balance now. Begin by acknowledging the change openly with your eldest. You can say, ‘I know I was stricter with you, and I am learning to be gentler now. That does not mean I love you any less. It means I am still growing as a parent.’ Such honesty shows respect and helps them feel seen. 

Create Moments of Positive Connection 

It is also important to create moments of positive connection with your eldest that are separate from discipline. Spend time enjoying their interests, listen to their thoughts, and celebrate their achievements without correction. This reminds them that they are valued not only for how well they follow rules but also for who they are. 

Balance Lessons With Compassion 

At the same time, do not undermine the lessons you instilled. Structure, responsibility, and self-discipline are valuable skills. The key now is to balance those lessons with compassion and reassurance. When you correct your eldest, keep it clear and calm, and follow up with affirmation of your love and trust in them. 

Frame Your Journey as Growth 

Finally, avoid comparing how you parent now with how you parented then. Instead, frame your journey as growth: you are learning and improving, just as they are. This shifts the focus from regret to partnership in building a stronger relationship moving forward. 

Spiritual Insight 

Allah Asks for Your Utmost Capacity 

Islam teaches that fairness and compassion must guide our dealings with children, while also reminding us that growth and change are part of human experience.  

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah At-Taghabun (64), Verse 16: 

‘So, seek piety from Allah (Almighty) with your utmost capacity, and listen and obey, and spend for yourselves with what is goodness; and whoever is saved from the miserliness of soul, then those are the victorious people.’  

This Verse highlights that Allah asks from us what is within our capacity. As a parent, you are doing your best within your ability at each stage. Earlier strictness was your effort then, and gentleness now is your growth. Both are seen by Allah as part of striving sincerely. 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’  

Justice here includes recognising when a child feels burdened by past strictness and making efforts to restore balance with kindness. Repairing does not erase the discipline they received, but it softens it with mercy, which is essential in Islam. 

By combining fairness with compassion, you show your eldest that while you may have been stricter in the past, your love for them is constant and your growth as a parent is ongoing. This both preserves the value of the lessons taught and heals the bond with gentleness and justice.