How to Repair Without Making Them Feel Responsible 

Parenting Perspective 

Restore Emotional Safety First 

It is very natural for a parent to feel torn when they see the weight of guilt in their child’s eyes. This moment highlights your compassion, but it also presents an opportunity to repair in a way that reassures your child without transferring your own hurt onto them. 

Separate Correction From Unconditional Love 

After a scolding, your priority should be to restore emotional safety. Rather than focusing on your own heartbreak, focus on your child’s need for reassurance. You can calmly say, ‘I should have spoken more gently, and I am sorry for raising my voice. I love you, and I want to help you do better next time.’ This separates your correction of their behaviour from your unconditional love. It tells your child that while their actions may need guidance, their worth and place in your heart remain secure. 

Keep the Focus on Growth, Not Guilt 

It is also important not to make your child feel responsible for your emotions by saying things like, ‘You made me upset,’ or ‘You hurt me when you did this.’ Instead, explain the effect of their behaviour and guide them towards improvement. For example, ‘When you did not listen, it made things difficult. Let us think of how to handle it better together.’ This keeps the focus on growth rather than guilt. 

Repair Is About Presence, Not Just Words 

Repair is not only about words, but also about presence. A gentle gesture, a hug, or shared time soon after the moment can reassure your child that the bond remains intact. Over time, this consistent pattern of correction followed by reconnection will help your child internalise both accountability and security. 

Spiritual Insight 

Harshness Drives Hearts Away 

Islam guides us to balance firmness with mercy. Children, like all human beings, need correction, but it must always be anchored in compassion. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-Imran (3), Verse 159: 

‘So, it is by the mercy from Allah (Almighty) that you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) are lenient with them; and if you had been harsh (in your speech) or restrained (in your heart), they would have dispersed from around you; so, then pardon them, and ask for their forgiveness (from Allah Almighty); and consult them in all matters (of public administration)…’  

This Verse reminds us that harshness drives hearts away, but gentleness preserves bonds and makes correction effective. A parent’s role is not to be perfect, but to model humility and mercy in everyday moments. 

Be Merciful to Receive Mercy 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Book 97, Hadith 6, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah is not merciful to those who are not merciful to mankind.’  

This hadith shows that showing mercy, especially to those under our care, is a form of worship and a means of receiving Allah’s mercy. When you repair after a moment of harshness with gentleness and reassurance, you are teaching your child both accountability and mercy in action. 

By separating your emotions from their responsibility, and by consistently restoring safety after correction, you guide your child to grow with confidence and faith, knowing that love is stronger than mistakes.