How to Reassure Your Eldest When You are Gentler With the Youngest 

Parenting Perspective 

Acknowledge Their Feelings First 

When an older child voices such a concern, they are expressing fear that love is being measured differently. It is important not to dismiss this with a quick ‘Of course I love you equally.’ Instead, take the opportunity to reassure them in a way that acknowledges their feelings and helps them understand the difference between gentleness and favouritism. 

Validate, Then Explain 

In the moment, begin by validating what they feel: ‘I hear you. It looks like I am gentler with your little brother, and I can see why you might feel upset.’ This shows that you are listening, not brushing away their concern. Then explain the difference: ‘I am gentle with him because he is still small and learning. I am gentle with you too, but I also give you more responsibility because you are growing. That does not mean I love you any less. In fact, it means I trust you more.’ 

Balance Firmness With Gentleness for Your Eldest 

Balance this with actions. Make sure that your older child experiences moments of gentleness from you as well, whether through hugs, calm words, or shared time. If they only see firmness directed at them, and gentleness at their sibling, their perception of unequal love will deepen. 

Speak Positively About Your Older Child 

It also helps to speak positively about your older child in front of the younger one. For example, ‘I am so proud of the way your brother helps me,’ or ‘I really appreciate how patient you are.’ When they hear your admiration, it reassures them that they are noticed and loved for their own qualities. 

Love Does Not Decrease With Responsibility 

Over time, the key is consistency: showing through both words and actions that love does not decrease with responsibility, and that gentleness is expressed differently according to each child’s needs. 

Spiritual Insight 

Justice Is Giving What Is Appropriate 

Islam strongly emphasises fairness and justice between children, while also recognising that circumstances may call for different forms of care. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An-Nisa (4), Verse 58: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) commands you to execute all trusts to their rightful owners; and when you (are asked to) judge between people, that you should judge with justice; indeed, the enlightened direction to you from Allah (Almighty) is (a beneficial) endowment; indeed, Allah (Almighty) is All Hearing and All Seeing.’  

This Verse reminds us that justice means giving each person what is appropriate for them. For children, justice is not identical treatment but meeting their individual needs in ways that are right for their stage. Gentleness with the younger one and trust with the older one are both forms of justice when given with fairness. 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

This Hadith makes it clear that justice is a religious responsibility, not simply a parenting preference. Being just includes ensuring that no child feels unloved or overlooked, even when your style of care looks different between them. 

By calmly validating your older child’s feelings, affirming your equal love, and balancing gentleness with trust, you embody both fairness and mercy. This reassures your child that their place in your heart is secure, and that your love, though expressed differently, is constant and unwavering.