How to Parent Without Reacting from Old Wounds 

Parenting Perspective 

That feeling of shrinking inside when your child pushes back is more common than it seems. It is not only about your child’s behaviour; it is about what stirs up in you. Often, it reactivates a place of unmet needs or unresolved emotion from your own upbringing. You are not just dealing with your child’s voice in that moment; you are facing the echo of your own younger self. 

Parenting from that triggered place can lead to reactions that feel protective but often bypass connection. You may raise your voice, withdraw, or shut down, not because your child is dangerous, but because your inner child feels threatened. 

Pause, Don’t React 

To shift this, you need to initially check what causes your body to go into a state of tension. That tension is a sign to pause, not react. Place your hand on your heart or take a single, slow breath. Then ask silently: ‘Am I responding as a parent, or as the frightened child I once was?’ 

This brief moment of awareness softens the automatic response. Once you are back in your adult self, you can hold your child accountable without losing calm. You might say: ‘I want to understand why you are upset, but we need to speak to each other respectfully.’ This keeps the boundary clear while modelling the emotional regulation you are aiming to build in them. 

You do not need to be louder to be heard; what is required is only to be anchored. That anchoring happens with practice and compassion, for your child, and for the part of you still learning to feel safe in conflict. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam does not require perfection in parenting, but it does require intention. To act justly, even when angered, is a form of worship. 

A Reminder to Restrain Anger 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), verse 134: 

‘…They suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ 

This verse praises those who do not act on their anger but instead choose self-restraint for the sake of higher character. 

The Prophetic Model: Strength is Self-Mastery 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong man is not the one who can overpower others. The strong one is the one who controls himself when angry.‘

[Sahih Muslim, 45:140] 

This Hadith reframes strength as self-mastery, not dominance. When you catch yourself before reacting from childhood pain, you are demonstrating that strength. 

Your child will learn how to handle frustration, disagreement, and authority not just from what you say, but from how you hold yourself. Let them see that emotional reactivity is not the only path, because you, with Allah’s help, chose something better.