How to Explain That Fairness Is Not Always Sameness 

Parenting Perspective 

Fairness Means Meeting Unique Needs 

It is natural for siblings to compare how you treat them, especially when one perceives that the other has received more leniency. Children usually equate fairness with sameness, but in reality, parents know that each child’s needs, temperament, and struggles are unique. Your role is to help them understand that fairness means giving each child what they need in order to thrive, not always giving everyone the same response. 

Validate Their Feelings First 

One practical way to approach this is through open and age-appropriate conversations. When a child says, ‘That is unfair,’ pause and validate their feelings rather than dismissing them. For example, you could say, ‘I hear you feel it is unfair. Let me explain why your sister needed something different this time.’ This helps the child feel respected, even if they do not fully agree in the moment. 

Use Real-Life Examples 

It also helps to give children real-life examples outside of sibling dynamics. For instance, you can say, ‘If one person has a broken leg, they need crutches, but someone without an injury does not. That is not unfair; it is giving each what they need.’ When children see fairness as need-based rather than identical, they begin to accept differences more readily. 

Leniency Should Not Mean Lowered Expectations 

Another important step is to make sure that leniency does not become an excuse for lowered expectations altogether. If one child is sensitive or struggles with certain tasks, you can still hold them accountable but in a way that is supportive rather than harsh. This balance prevents resentment among siblings who may feel that rules only apply to them. 

Consistency in Love and Attention Is Key 

Consistency in love and attention is key. While rules and consequences may vary depending on temperament, your children need to see that your affection, time, and value for each of them are constant and not dependent on behaviour. 

Spiritual Insight 

Justice Is Not Sameness 

Islam teaches us that fairness is about justice, not sameness. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An-Nahl (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty…’  

This Verse reminds us that justice is rooted in giving each person their due with wisdom. Justice does not mean equal treatment in every situation, but rather recognising individual needs and ensuring no one is wronged. 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

This Hadith highlights the seriousness of parental fairness. Being just includes responding to each child’s temperament in a way that upholds their dignity and guides them toward growth. It is not injustice to show leniency when it is needed; injustice would be to ignore a child’s needs or to show consistent preference without reason. 

When you explain fairness to your children as giving each what helps them become their best selves, you teach them both emotional maturity and a value deeply rooted in Deen. Over time, they will begin to see differences in treatment not as favouritism, but as an expression of wisdom and care.