How to Explain Fairness When Spending on Your Kids Isn’t Equal 

Parenting Perspective 

Fairness Means Providing What Is Needed 

Children often measure fairness by comparing numbers and amounts rather than needs. For your son, the fact that his sister receives more money may appear as unequal treatment, even though the context is entirely different. As a parent, your task is to help him understand that fairness means providing what is needed, not always the exact same amount. 

Separate the Categories of Spending 

One practical way is to separate the categories of spending. You can explain that school projects are not a ‘reward’ but a requirement for learning, just as books, pencils, and uniforms are. Toys, on the other hand, fall under personal treats and are separate. By making this distinction clear, your son can begin to see that the comparison is not like-for-like. 

Show Balance Across Time, Not in One Moment 

You can also reassure him by showing balance across time, not in one moment. For example, you might say, ‘Your sister needs more right now for her schoolwork, but when you need something important, I will provide for you in the same way.’ This builds trust that he too will be supported when his turn comes. Avoid making promises of matching amounts, as this can create unnecessary pressure and lead to unhealthy expectations. Instead, emphasise that you look at each child’s needs with care and responsibility. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings First 

Empathy is also important. Acknowledge his feelings by saying, ‘I understand it looks unfair to you.’ By recognising his perspective, you avoid dismissing him, and he feels heard. Once he feels acknowledged, he is more open to hearing your explanation. Over time, repeated calm conversations will help him mature in understanding that family resources are distributed according to need, not comparison. 

Spiritual Insight 

Justice Is Giving Each Person Their Due 

Islam teaches that justice within the family is essential, but justice is not the same as mathematical equality. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al An’aam (6), Verse 152: 

‘And do not usurp the wealth of the orphans, except (dealing with their wealth in a manner) which is best for them, until they reach the age of majority; (and in your business dealings) deal with full measure and weight and with equity; We (Allah Almighty) do not burden any soul except that which is in its capacity; and whenever you speak then (speak with) justice, even though (such words may act against the interests) of your close relatives; and fulfil your promises with Allah (Almighty), these are (the commandments) you are bequeathed with, so that you may reflect (on your existential purpose of life).’  

This Verse shows that justice is about honesty, responsibility, and giving each person what is rightfully due. Applied to parenting, it means meeting each child’s genuine needs without favouritism, rather than ensuring identical treatment. 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’  

This Hadith makes clear that fairness is a duty tied to Allah’s command. Providing for a daughter’s school needs while giving a son toys according to his stage of life is still just, because both are receiving what benefits them most. What must be avoided is favouring one child out of preference or neglecting the needs of another. 

By framing your spending decisions as acts of fairness rooted in responsibility before Allah, you can explain to your son that different amounts do not mean unequal love. This helps him learn that fairness in a family is measured by wisdom, not by numbers, and frees you from unnecessary guilt.