How to Encourage Your Eldest to Help Without It Feeling Unfair 

Parenting Perspective 

Separate Responsibility From Burden 

It is very common for the eldest child to feel that their role in the family is heavier than their siblings’. While you may simply want them to contribute, they may interpret the repeated responsibility as unfairness or even punishment. The key is to separate responsibility from burden, and to frame their role in a way that brings pride instead of resentment. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings Openly 

Start by acknowledging their feelings openly: ‘I know it seems like you are asked more, and that can feel unfair.’ This simple validation shows them that you see their effort. Then, when giving tasks, make a clear distinction between ‘extra duties’ and ‘age-appropriate contribution.’ Younger children can be given small but visible roles, such as tidying cushions or carrying napkins, so the eldest does not feel like the only one expected to help. 

Balance Responsibility With Recognition 

It also helps to balance responsibility with recognition. If you ask your eldest to help, pair it with meaningful appreciation: ‘You handled that so well, it really made things easier for me.’ Appreciation makes the effort feel valuable rather than obligatory. 

Give Responsibilities That Build Skills 

Finally, give them responsibilities that build skills and independence, not just chores that relieve you. For example, teaching a younger sibling something simple can feel rewarding if it is framed as trust, not labour. In this way, you create an environment where contributing is seen as a privilege of maturity rather than a punishment for being older. 

Spiritual Insight 

No One Shall Bear the Burden of Another 

Islam provides both guidance and balance in how responsibility should be understood. While parents must be just between their children, Islam also recognises that different stages of life carry different roles and expectations.  

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-An’aam (6), Verse 164: 

‘…And no one shall become the bearer of any responsibility, in (carrying) the burden of others; then your ultimate return is to your Sustainer, then He (Allah Almighty) will inform you, about all the matters in which you were divergent (from the infinite truth).’  

This Verse reminds us that each person is accountable for their own responsibilities, and these should not become unjustly placed upon another. For a parent, it means being mindful not to load one child with what should be shared. 

Responsibility Comes With Honour and Reward 

It is recorded in Mishkat al-Masabih, Book 18, Hadith 25, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock.’  

This Hadith teaches that responsibility is part of leadership, but it also comes with honour and reward. When explained to a child in this way, helping younger siblings becomes an act of trust and dignity, not a burden. 

By showing your eldest that their contribution is both appreciated by the family and valued by Allah, you shift their mindset. Fairly distributing tasks and affirming their effort helps them see that their role is not a punishment, but a chance to grow in responsibility and goodness.