How to Comfort Your Child When You Were Taught Needing Help is Weakness 

Parenting Perspective 

This is a phenomenon that is more prevalent than it appears. It can be almost unnatural to sit beside a child in their moments of vulnerability when you were raised to equate need with frailty. Your inclinations may tempt you to fix, dismiss, or freeze, rather than leaning in with comfort. Your lack of affection is not the reason for this. This is because your nervous system never learned that being held in a state of weakness was secure. 

The process of healing commences with a modest yet significant change: acknowledging that your child’s comfort does not pose a threat to your own well-being. It is an invitation to establish a connection. You are not being requested to alleviate their distress; rather, you are being requested to observe it. This may manifest as maintaining a physical proximity, maintaining eye contact, or expressing the simple phrase, ‘I am present.’ If this causes you discomfort, acknowledge that too. You are not failing; rather, you are relearning a concept that was not previously modelled for you. 

Spiritual Insight 

The noble Quran consistently elevates the act of showing mercy, especially within family ties. Needing others is not weakness. It is part of the design of human beings, created to seek help, to give help, and to draw near to one another through it. 

A Reminder That Expressing Suffering is Dua 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Anbiyaa (21), verses 83–84: 

‘And when (Prophet) Ayub (AS) called upon his Sustainer and said: “Indeed, I am afflicted with adversity, and indeed, You (Allah Almighty) in Your Infinite Mercy are the Most Merciful.” So We (Allah Almighty) responded to him, and alleviated him from all of his adversities….’ 

Prophet Ayyub (peace be upon him) did not hide his suffering. He expressed it and turned it into dua. His openness did not lessen his dignity; it drew him closer to his Lord. 

The Prophetic Model: Mercy is Central to Our Faith 

It is recorded in Al-Adab al-Mufrad that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who does not show mercy to others will not be shown mercy. ‘

[Al-Adab al-Mufrad, 19:10] 

This hadith reminds us that showing mercy, including emotional mercy, is not optional. It is central to our faith. Islam places immense value that being understanding to others especially to their emotions is essential and if a human does not treat people with mercy then they do not get mercy from others and Allah Almighty. 

Each time you stay close to your child in their distress, you are not only offering love, but you are also reshaping the emotional inheritance of your family. That is not a weakness but it is legacy.