How to Calm Yourself Without Making Your Children Feel at Fault 

Parenting Perspective 

Children Cling to an Unsettled Anchor 

Children are very perceptive, and they often sense a parent’s emotions even before words are spoken. When you are anxious or overwhelmed, your children may become unsettled not because they are the cause, but because they are seeking reassurance. They look to you as their anchor, and when they feel your discomfort, they cling in order to feel safe. 

Separate Your Emotions From Their Presence 

The key is to separate your emotions from their presence. When you feel stress building, take a pause before responding to them. This could mean stepping into another room for a few minutes, slowing your breathing, or even saying aloud, ‘I am feeling a bit tense, so I need to take a moment.’ Such honesty reassures your children that the feeling is yours, not their fault. 

Model Healthy Self-Regulation 

You can also model healthy self-regulation in front of them. If you feel anxious, instead of snapping or withdrawing, show them a small calming action such as sitting down with a cup of water, making dhikr quietly, or taking deep breaths. Over time, they learn that emotions are part of life and can be managed calmly. This teaches them resilience while also protecting them from unnecessary guilt. 

Plan Moments of Recovery for Yourself 

It is also valuable to plan moments of recovery for yourself outside the most demanding times. Even short pauses of rest, prayer, or reflection during the day reduce the build-up of stress, making it less likely to spill over when your children need you. 

Acknowledge and Manage Feelings Without Blame 

By showing your children that feelings can be acknowledged and managed without blame, you both protect their sense of safety and give them a powerful example of emotional balance. 

Spiritual Insight 

Turn to Allah in Moments of Heaviness 

Islam recognises that human beings experience fear, stress, and moments of heaviness. What matters is how we turn to Allah in those moments and how we act with those around us. 

Find Calmness in the Remembrance of Allah 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ra’ad (13), Verse 28: 

‘Those people who are believers, and attain serenity of their hearts with the remembrance of Allah (Almighty); indeed, it is only with the remembrance of Allah (Almighty) that (one can (and does) peace of mind and heart.’  

This Verse reminds you that calmness is found not by denying your feelings, but by grounding them in the remembrance of Allah. A short moment of Dhikr, even in the presence of your children, can soothe your heart and show them where peace is sought. 

True Strength Lies in Self-Control 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Book 45, Hadith 140, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong one is not the one who can overpower others, but the strong one is the one who controls himself when angry.’  

This Hadith highlights that strength lies in self-control. By pausing to regulate yourself before reacting, you are embodying this teaching. 

Your children will not remember you as never stressed, but as someone who managed stress with calmness, patience, and remembrance of Allah. By doing so, you not only protect their emotional safety but also model for them the Islamic way of responding to life’s pressures.