How to Be Just Without Treating Your Kids Identically 

Parenting Perspective 

Fairness Is Not Identical Treatment 

It is very natural to question whether you are being fair when parenting children at different stages. Guilt often comes from equating justice with sameness, but fairness does not always mean giving exactly the same treatment. A three-year-old and a thirteen-year-old have different levels of understanding, responsibility, and ability, so your approach has to match their needs. 

Be Consistent in Your Values 

Justice in parenting means being consistent in your values and boundaries, while adapting your expectations to each child’s age and capacity. For example, you may hold your eldest accountable for chores or homework in a way you cannot yet expect from the youngest. That is not favouritism; it is recognising growth and teaching responsibility. What matters is that each child feels equally valued and loved, even if the way you guide them looks different. 

Communicate Openly 

To model this, communicate openly. When your eldest feels you are being stricter, you might say, ‘You are trusted with more because you are capable of more.’ When your youngest receives leniency, you can explain, ‘One day you will also have these responsibilities.’ This helps both children see that you are not comparing them but guiding them according to their stage. 

Be Conscious of Your Tone 

Being conscious of your tone also matters. If discipline with the eldest always sounds harsh while affection flows more freely to the youngest, children may perceive imbalance. Try to balance correction with encouragement and praise across all ages, so each child experiences both nurture and accountability. 

Focus on Equity, Not Identical Treatment 

By focusing on equity rather than identical treatment, you can release the guilt and instead feel confident that you are nurturing each child justly according to their needs. 

Spiritual Insight 

Justice Is Not Sameness 

Islam distinguishes between justice and sameness. Justice means giving each person what is due to them in their situation, not treating everyone identically. 

Justice Is About Balance and Fairness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An-Nahl (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty; and He (Allah Almighty) offers this enlightened direction so that you continue to realise (the true pathway of Islam).’  

This Verse reminds us that justice is a command from Allah, and it is about balance and fairness, not rigid equality. For children, this means guiding them in ways that suit their maturity and capacity, while upholding fairness in love and respect. 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’  

Scholars explain that justice here means avoiding favouritism and ensuring every child feels valued and provided for. It does not mean giving the same treatment regardless of context, but rather ensuring fairness in rights, care, and affection. 

By explaining to your children that justice sometimes looks different depending on age and responsibility, and by grounding your parenting in both fairness and mercy, you model the balance that Islam encourages. This allows your children to see discipline and leniency as two sides of the same justice, not as signs of unequal love.