How to Be a Firm Father Without Being Harsh 

Parenting Perspective 

Recognising that you might be repeating a harsh pattern is already a strong initiative which you are taking. Many parents carry forward what they experienced without pausing to question it, so your awareness shows a genuine desire to do better for your child. Firmness and harshness are not the same. Firmness is about consistency, boundaries, and clarity. Harshness is about fear, humiliation, or pain. A father can be firm without being harsh by separating correction from cruelty. 

Firmness as Guidance, Not Control 

One practical way forward is to think of firmness as guidance rather than control. For example, when a child disobeys, instead of reacting with a raised voice or force, you can calmly state the consequence and follow through. Consistency builds respect, whereas harshness builds resentment. Preparing phrases like ‘This behaviour is not acceptable, and here is what will happen if it continues’ helps you respond with authority rather than anger. 

Notice Your Own Triggers 

It is also important to notice your own triggers. When you feel frustration rising, take a pause before addressing your child. That pause allows you to act with intention rather than habit. If you find yourself slipping into old patterns, repair is key. Tell your child, ‘I was too harsh earlier, and I want to try again.’ This does not weaken authority. In fact, it models humility and teaches your child that even parents are accountable for their actions. 

By practising consistency, calm correction, and honest repair, you can remain a firm father while breaking away from harshness. Over time, your child will respect both your discipline and your fairness. 

Spiritual Insight 

Discipline is part of Islamic upbringing, but Islam does not endorse harshness. In fact, gentleness is considered a mark of strength and wisdom. Islam promotes gentleness in all spheres of life and that is not restricted to any age or gender. 

A Reminder That Gentleness Gathers Hearts 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), verse 159: 

‘So, it is by the mercy from Allah (Almighty) that you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) are lenient with them; and if you had been harsh (in your speech) or restrained (in your heart), they would have dispersed from around you; so, then pardon them, and ask for their forgiveness (from Allah Almighty); and consult them in all matters (of public administration)…..’ 

This Verse shows that even in leadership, harshness drives people away, while gentleness gathers hearts. The same principle applies to fatherhood. Children are more likely to stay close and respect a father who guides with compassion. 

The Prophetic Model: Goodness is Tied to Gentleness 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah that the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever is deprived of gentleness is deprived of goodness.’ 

[Sunan Ibn Majah,33:31] 

This hadith makes clear that goodness is tied to gentleness, not severity. Firmness does not require harshness, but it does require steadiness and fairness. A father who corrects his child with dignity and mercy is following the prophetic model. 

By choosing calm firmness and rejecting harshness, you are not only breaking a painful cycle but also aligning your fatherhood with the mercy of the noble Qur’an and the example of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. This way, your child grows up respecting your guidance while also feeling secure in your love.